My Life As A Fischer Gallery
a great shot of a red-eyed box turtle. it loads slow on my [practically brand new] computer but is worth it.
- posted by barbara @ 9/28/2003 11:06:00 PM  0 comments

 
FindLaw's Writ - Dean: The Bush Administration Adopts a Worse-than-Nixonian Tactic
this article appeared on 08-15-03, in response to a 07-14-03
story that appeared in the Chicago Sun Times. on 07-17-03,
the same story that was reported by the chicago paper three
days earlier was published in Time magazine.
Tonight, when i opened aol, the "top news" story: Who
Leaked CIA Agent's Identity?

so, it appears that the mass media has taken its sweet
time about reporting this story. gist of the story:
someone in gw bush's administration "outed" a covert
CIA spy because of her husband's refusal to "play ball"
with respect to the evidence supporting military action
prior to the most recent war.

the evidence wasn't there; the man said so. his wife
was outed by the president or "sources close to" the president.

this story does not smell any worse today than it
did on 08-25-03, when i blogged this same article
by John Dean. yet it's only now coming to the
attention of the wider american audience.

gee, wonder why?

get rid of gw
- posted by barbara @ 9/28/2003 10:50:00 PM  0 comments

 
palm trees etcetera

- posted by barbara @ 9/28/2003 04:53:00 PM

 
bekah shows off her tongue ring

- posted by barbara @ 9/28/2003 03:00:00 AM

 
Comet Search: blog
amazingly my blog is included on the first page of responses to this search. some other searches that yielded the URL to this blog:

melanoma blog
cutie factory
non fundamentalist christians
victim mentality

the other day my blog was associated with the search term, "we tickled barbara." go figger; it's computers
- posted by barbara @ 9/27/2003 05:49:00 AM  0 comments

 
An Annotated Refutation of President George W. Bush
this is a must-read, though it is making me feel discouraged. pretty much any story involving the current u.s. president does that to me though; but there is an election approaching and he needs to be gone. read this, please.
- posted by barbara @ 9/26/2003 03:51:00 PM  0 comments

 
[I Love You God Bless You Anthony]

Anthony Isaiah Prudhomme, 11-27-78 to 11-03-00

For those who were blessed enough to have known Anthony, you are all aware that the way he lived was way more important then the way he died , so I don't want to dwell on his death, but dwell on his life and spirit, and celebrate his Life and continued after life and spirit!!! But for those who don't know the story of our tragic loss, it happened on November 3rd, 2000.

the trial of anthony's accused killers begins today. Luisa, anthony's mom, attends counseling at my group - i hope to be present at the trial, for anthony, who was 21 when he was shot to death for reasons so bankrupt i have to say he died for no reason at all, and for luisa, his mother who has waited almost three years just to find out if justice will happen for her son.
- posted by barbara @ 9/26/2003 06:09:00 AM

 
Amazon.com: Your Wish List
MY wish list actually :)

me 'n my baby, 23 years ago
- posted by barbara @ 9/25/2003 02:54:00 PM

 
liz²
a quick-loading book of wonderful poems.
- posted by barbara @ 9/25/2003 03:08:00 AM  0 comments

 
irony - epiphany
Rumi: I've had enough of sleepless nights, of my unspoke grief, of my tired wisdom. Come my treasure, my breath of life come and dress my wounds and be my cure. Enough of words. Come to me without a sound.


9/25/2003 1:51:53 AM

hi Bekah-la, maybe I’ve missed you so much because I haven’t been touching base with you just like this. Because I have not gotten Andy’s letter into the mail and have not written the poem worked on the book gotten something in the mail having to do with the book….

Anyway sitting here just a little bit inspired and you are here darling girl you are. This is not much I know I’ll just leave it open for the moment all heaven breaks loose and I travel then. Then to you – like falling back into a wall of pillows but I climb to the plane of spirit to be next to the girl I love best.

She is my girl, my girl, my girl, talking bout my girl…

Ooh. Yeah.

Because after over two years of seeking and pain and questioning and crying I find that the greatest sadness is inextricably bound to the greatest joy. And this I call irony. Knowing that what allows the full panoply of human emotional experience to be within my purview is my passion. This I name epiphany.

Passion. To suffer. I have accused myself of clinging to my suffering. That was the distant past before losing you took me to whole new levels of hell. That was about men and romantic love that I chased and craved and abased myself for in vain, to end up single and bereft before the age of 50. The epiphany is in the knowing that I have not done wrong by myself or my children or the world to have been passionate in my loving. If I was not, I could not be open and hopeful in my present state. I would not know you were here, though perhaps you would be here.

Love. Is passion, is feeling, makes all things possible. If we are not feeling our experience is there a reason for it to be? When I am missing you I am suffering and this will be true from now on and cannot change. So I will suffer bekah, and there is a pocket of triumph in the very suffering. Passion gives me the whole range of experience and I will partake of this all of this this pain so exquisite it cannot be described this joy so pure it rushes like spring water on a hot day to refresh us again and again…love.

Love.

Love, mom

Amen

XXX OOO

- posted by barbara @ 9/25/2003 02:24:00 AM  0 comments

 
The Eek-A-Mouse Eeksperience
created a monster...and i may not be able to rest until i see this dude or some kinda concert! :(

Status.Blogger.Com

why our archives are acting up. i am sooooo relieved. :)
- posted by barbara @ 9/24/2003 07:55:00 PM  0 comments

 
Thanks for Signing the Petition
recall gw, or as Laura Nyro sang, "save the country, save the country, now..."
- posted by barbara @ 9/24/2003 07:34:00 PM  0 comments

 
Modbee.com | The Modesto Bee:
Al- Qaida is regrouping and making noise about hurting us, while with every passing day, it looks more and more like Iraq never could have hurt us.
GREG DOBBS: Bush needs to come clean with America

Mr. Dobbs asks rhetorically, "Why won't President Bush come clean and tell the truth?" Among other observations he notes that the president has yet to attend a funeral for one of the american military killed at his wrongheaded behest, but has plenty of time for campaign fundraising.

i'll stop for now. i could have a fucking stroke if i studied this dick all day.
- posted by barbara @ 9/24/2003 10:57:00 AM  0 comments

 
NaNoWriMo.org : Home - What is NaNoWriMo?
i wonder if i just start back up where i left off last year will i be disqualified? i wrote somewhere in the neighborhood of 4,000 words, then stopped. so i go again this year; i'm glad i know it's coming now, i'm going to start plotting out the great american novel. then write it during the month of november.

The Mahablog
it seems our president flapped his mouth at the UN yesterday. but is this news? is there any news left in the news? outrages are yawned at or just ignored as if they don't exist.
i feel like i am in a vacuum sometimes. but there are others who know as well, thankfully. i just skim and bitch that's all.


bubbles
- posted by barbara @ 9/24/2003 10:33:00 AM

 
A Picture's Worth - essays on photographs of personal significance
woke up, went reading...drifting back to the story of bekah's 23rd birthday already blubbering for some reason? i don't know the reason today. maybe because summer is ended and it's gloomy outside. but every picture and every story just about inspires another round of quiet weeping as i sit here reading and reading. the ferment bubbles in me but i am stopped, dammed, useless. it is a good day for counseling.
there's one thing about getting older. it passes - always did. it's easier these days to recall that it will as it always did. that ameliorates it somewhat.
and there's one thing about being a bereft mother. at this stage of the grief i don't really know if this is depression, as in mental illness, a malady that runs in my family [and it sometimes seems through all of humanity], or the grief squeezing on my serenity one more time.
the monster grief. my theory is that over the time since bekah's murder i have alternately grown larger than the grief that will be with me for the rest of my life, or whittled it down to a manageable size. this is how life becomes possible over time after the worst thing that could happen, did.
i have been missing bekah these past few days. just feeling her absence suffocate me with its reality...it is also true that it is grey outside and getting colder during the nights that are getting longer. and that i lost my sunglasses and my checkbook, i don't know where...and there's troubles here and there, and insufficiencies i will save to share til later, or never.

so i don't know. just a funk. writing makes it better too, and reading all over the internet, and crying. ain't nothing quite like a good cry. amen
all of my children and grandchildren, christmas 2000 - bekah's last
- posted by barbara @ 9/24/2003 08:36:00 AM

 
SatireWire | U.S. Suspects World Not Putting U.S. Interests First
did you ever read something that was so good you thought about it later on? this little piece of satire has stayed with me...checking out my archives this morning i found the link.

i also found that my archives have now somehow miraculously as far as i know re-assumed my old template. i don't know about this internet sometimes. but what i think is, i get too anxious too soon sometimes, and cause myself problems. dunno
- posted by barbara @ 9/23/2003 10:50:00 AM  0 comments

 
people

- posted by barbara @ 9/23/2003 04:26:00 AM

 
the guardian

The global hierarchy of race
The dominant race in a society, whether white or otherwise, rarely admits to its own racism. Denial is near universal. The reasons are manifold. It has a huge vested interest in its own privilege. It will often be oblivious to its own prejudices.

this sentence jumped out at me while reading this long article. i want to lose the privilege and meet people as people wherever i go.


on the day the simi valley jury acquitted the police in the case of rodney king, i decided that i would no longer deny being a racist. this is not the same as embracing the racist in me; it reflects my determination not to kowtow to denial. how can we lose racism if we deny its existence?

when i was younger i was attracted to "ethnic" men: my first true love was italian, i married a jew who was born in israel. since my divorce i find i am attracted to black men almost to the exclusion of all others. i wonder why.

sometimes i describe myself as a black woman in a white body, and there is something to that [biographical parallels], but i don't think that is the end of the story. at other times i wonder if i'm just trying to "put my money where my mouth is," if my desire to see my ideals realized has infected my eyes. but it seems to me that if that were the case, the attraction would be false. it is not false; it is real, and does not seem to be changing.

so at this point i just back off myself, and say, hey. people are attracted to people for whatever reason...she likes men with beards, he likes women with big tits, etc. i like black men. so be it.
after midnight
- posted by barbara @ 9/22/2003 12:50:00 PM

 
bekah


my daughter, born 07-06-80 and murdered on 07-19-01. for her funeral obituary we used two pictures taken by her friend [one of "bekah's boys" as i refer to the four young men who were in love with bekah when she died] gabe, a gifted photographer. the picture shown above the title of my blog is the one on the front and is also the one i share most often. an enlarged print was placed on bekah's casket since it had to be closed...anyway. i call that one the movie star. the second one, taken on the same day, i call the saint.

Bekah collected quotations and on the front of her little booklet under the picture of bekah as movie star we put, "Always dance as if no one is watching." On the back, accompanying the print of Bekah as saint:

in judgment: wisdom
in action: resolution
in adversity: fortitude
in success: humility

in all things: courage

i chose these quotes from bekah's own collection of quotes, which she kept in little notebooks devoted just to that. on the inside of her obituary instead of the ubiquitous 23rd psalm, we shared this poem written by bekah just two short months before she died.

Wake up one morning with a
clear head
The sun today decides to be my
friend
My mind is free, my thoughts
have resolution
I was spiraling downward,
wondering
Will this craziness come to an
end?
Or am I stuck here with this
blank look on my face?
Suddenly, I was out of place
Trying to keep up, maintain
myself, be a part of it all
But in my mind...
My mind was in another place,
numerous places, like
What am I doing here? Is this
what I want? Is this for real?
It's kinda scary to be
unsure of what you feel
The purple haze
fades away, and now I see
Translucent, white,
fresh and bright
Thank god, for a moment
I was in a time warp,
I was back there again
A feeling once so familiar
and good
Now so foreign and wrong
So I open my eyes and look
my chance in the face
I've pushed my limits, again &
again
Let's see how far I can go this time...
and This time, and This time
And I look up and see Chance,
my Chance
A chance, a light that many
people never see
A light That came down on me
My dreams, my reality
I see me and I reach for
my hand
Guide me to the right path
I will

i hope if you've read this you have a little better sense of my girl and how wonderful she was...and forgive me, i just miss her right now.
- posted by barbara @ 9/21/2003 08:20:00 AM

 
United for Peace and Justice: Mystery Pneumonia Toll May Be Much Higher
United for Peace and Justice: Mystery Pneumonia Toll May Be Much Higher

it appears that the pentagon is ignoring or minimizing or covering up deaths and illnesses caused by the anthrax vaccine. soldiers can be court martialed if they refuse the vaccine.
- posted by barbara @ 9/20/2003 09:26:00 PM  0 comments

 
Misleader.org: Daily Mislead
Apparently they recently changed their name from "the daily lie" -
- posted by barbara @ 9/20/2003 08:31:00 PM  0 comments

 
ok, i'm afraid of what i've done. but i want my font just a wee bit smaller. please comment with advice if you know...in the meantime maybe i did it and maybe i ruined this template too. :(
thanks
- posted by barbara @ 9/20/2003 02:09:00 PM  0 comments

 
Rumi:
I've had enough of sleepless nights, of my unspoke grief, of my tired wisdom. Come my treasure, my breath of life come and dress my wounds and be my cure. Enough of words. Come to me without a sound.

You Live Your Life As If It's Real reading bell hooks i learned she and her longtime lover both worshipped "rumi." but i didn't know who "rumi" was...then i click to ray's blog and the first thing to catch my eye is, "Why I Shot Rumi" - so, i haven't read what ray had to say yet, but i did go look up Rumi. sometimes it seems you're supposed to do something, you know?
- posted by barbara @ 9/20/2003 11:17:00 AM  0 comments

 
dense

- posted by barbara @ 9/20/2003 07:38:00 AM  0 comments

 
Victims Vigil

- posted by barbara @ 9/20/2003 02:14:00 AM  0 comments

 
sky in New Mexico

- posted by barbara @ 9/20/2003 12:25:00 AM  0 comments

 
Real Joe Affirmation Bullshit Generator
today i will
generate my synergistic capacities
generate my divine body
engage my intrinsic energy

good bullshit today. lol
- posted by barbara @ 9/19/2003 10:01:00 PM  0 comments

 
Voices from the Gaps: bell hooks
i've been reading her...most recently Wounds of Passion, a writing sort of autobiography.

bell hooks is a lover, and i think that's why i love her. she elucidates what i believe. the basis of my church - the Bekah Church of Wonder - must be love. has to be. it's all i believe in anymore, that is good and is positive, and makes us immortal.

i'm too tired. but you get the gist
- posted by barbara @ 9/19/2003 12:03:00 PM  0 comments

 
Massive Head-wound Cory
Massive Head-wound Cory
Cory's lost about twenty pounds and has a question i can't answer...maybe you can.
- posted by barbara @ 9/19/2003 11:50:00 AM  0 comments

 
hallelujah! sigh. well, there's lots of links yet to replace. but here we are now, complete with comments. i need to sleep! lol good day to y'all...
- posted by barbara @ 9/19/2003 11:40:00 AM  0 comments

 
yaccs
okay, i put in the comments manually while writing a letter to sharifi [sp?],the man who runs Yaccs. we'll see if this makes any kinda sense...
- posted by barbara @ 9/19/2003 11:35:00 AM  0 comments

 
blogroll
once again i've tried putting in a blogroll. but did i put it where i want it? that's the question...
- posted by barbara @ 9/19/2003 08:24:00 AM  0 comments

 
how tedious?
obviously i've not been in the building mode for some time...i was just blogrolling along and all was well. Now this - and i don't have the will or the patience to chase it around anymore right now. i'm going to go pick a different template and let it go for the time being.

that's kinda the problem, i think: i can't find my template anymore on blogger's pages. if anyone knows of a way to get it back i could go from there with that template; this one's got me stumped as you can see.

barbaraNO@bales.com - take out the NO it's to discourage spam. thanks
- posted by barbara @ 9/18/2003 08:15:00 PM  0 comments

 
this is unbelievably tedious. never again will i fail to have a copy of my template on my hard drive. . .so i say today.

sigh
- posted by barbara @ 9/18/2003 07:07:00 PM  0 comments

 
i give up. my template's going to have to be completely retooled. and it cannot be this minute. goddamit.
- posted by barbara @ 9/18/2003 11:21:00 AM  0 comments

 

i'm trying something, we'll see if it works.
- posted by barbara @ 9/18/2003 05:14:00 AM  0 comments

 
BLOGGER - News Archive
BLOGGER - News Archive
i can't make my fucking YACCS work!
oh, this is gonna be days getting my blog back useful. i am so pissed at me.
- posted by barbara @ 9/18/2003 03:46:00 AM  0 comments

 
yaccs
they say i may need to make an entry so here we go. for whatever it's worth my blog has been working really well for so long i don't recall how to do a bunch of this...yaccs should now be in, on to blogsnob, blogshares, blogroll...

fuck.
fuckfuck
- posted by barbara @ 9/18/2003 02:41:00 AM  0 comments

 
barbtries a blog
barbtries a blog
i fucked up my template and man i am so bummed right now...wondering if this is gonna publish or what
- posted by barbara @ 9/18/2003 01:21:00 AM  0 comments

 
WorldNetDaily: Top Bush officials amend war claims
WorldNetDaily: Top Bush officials amend war claims
In the past week, three top Bush administration officials have backed off charges they made against Iraq, explaining they misspoke or overstated the facts.


they lied is what they did. their asses should be fired NOW.

tell mr. president no it is not okay to lie. it is wrong to lie. and now, young men and women, soldiers, and innocent civilians, are DEAD because of the war they justified with these lies. and now we occupy a country in the middle east that we invaded based on these lies.

does it end? can we make this right? does anybody think that gwbush gives a rat's ass or will deal appropriately with these liars? don't hold your breath; he's every bit the lying warmonger himself, most recently [to my knowledge] and brazenly lying about his pre-blackout stand on upgrading the grid.

with bottled colors
- posted by barbara @ 9/17/2003 02:46:00 PM  0 comments

 
Account
Account: "Votes on your blog: 74% 17

Love it!! 7

Good: 3

Okay :4

Sucks: 1

Hate it :( 2

thanks to all who have voted. :)
- posted by barbara @ 9/17/2003 05:06:00 AM  0 comments

 
CondiffNet Gallery :: Baby Album
CondiffNet Gallery :: Baby Album
Cory felt well enough to mow the lawn and put up an album of his baby girl's ultrasound photos.

she's just adorable...:)
- posted by barbara @ 9/16/2003 06:46:00 PM  0 comments

 
A Picture's Worth - essays on photographs of personal significance
A Picture's Worth - essays on photographs of personal significance
the sun and the moon together...check it out
- posted by barbara @ 9/16/2003 01:18:00 PM  0 comments

 
me at 18

and i've hardly changed at all in the past thirty years...HA HA HA whoo lol

i'm twice the woman i was back then. no. really. practically. too damn close anyway. lol

i see pictures, i know them like the pictures on the wall, ubiquitous they are inside my memory...but it's been awhile, and i forgot it, and now they cause feelings. the bittersweet, and memories, going way back. my first home of my own, i was 17 almost 18 years old. my 64 pontiac tempest with "three on the floor" because someone had moved the gear shift from the column, and Levis. i still wear levis, that's the truth, just not that size anymore. as i recall when i lost weight and was looking good after my oldest son's birth, i still could not fit in those levis. i think i finally sold them in the mid to late '90's.

i think i am an optimist.
- posted by barbara @ 9/16/2003 02:53:00 AM  0 comments

 
adorable andy

my son andy at two years of age. now he's in the navy...all is not well. things are unsettling and worrisome but it would not be right, i think, to elaborate further. just feel for him. so much
- posted by barbara @ 9/15/2003 01:07:00 PM  0 comments

 
rorschach

Rorschach

i call it that because of what i see when i look at it...wondering if it means i am crazy. i see a foot about to be tickled by ... mmm. sharks? lol

i'm not even sure it's not on its side. eh. what ever. maybe that means it is art and not just a convenient way to pass time doing nothing, or hiding from the nothing that is really being done, or some such shit. didn't someone say "all art is trash"? or was that, "all writing is garbage"?

either way i don't believe it. i don't know that what i've been doing lately is art but i do believe that art is, and is for more than litter.

anyway. john ritter died at 54, the same age my mother was when she passed. too young. the williams sisters' sister was murdered in compton. at thought cafe they have a homepage where the latest postings are offered...i hopped over there and clicked on two. both turned out to be about vehicular mayhem and death. just one of those things.
- posted by barbara @ 9/14/2003 10:35:00 PM  0 comments

 
The Mouse Chronicles
The Mouse Chronicles

hey, kim, say hi!
- posted by barbara @ 9/14/2003 10:54:00 AM  0 comments

 
Massive Head-wound Cory
Massive Head-wound Cory: The good news is I think the lumps are shrinking, the one on my head and behind my ear are mostly gone, all the remains is the one in the neck which seems to be smaller. I still don't feel worried and I'm confident the worst is over.

Melanoma is one of the worst, most persistent cancers, a lot of people ( including myself initially) thought hey it's just skin cancer, how bad can it be?

I said i would blog cory whenever he posted and it's rarely. in today's post he admits it is because there has been bad news. however, a possible reversal of that seems to be going on.

i know i could not go through what cory is enduring without bitching moaning whining crying. cory is incredibly brave and stoic...send healing energy his way blog world, please, or if it suits you, include cory in your prayers.

i want to blog the recovery post for cory. :)
- posted by barbara @ 9/13/2003 10:07:00 AM  0 comments

 
important book
Rory's Important Book: The important thing about me is that I have a funny bone. I have friends and I have parents. I have a teacher and I have a family. But the important thing about me is that I have a funny bone.

The important thing about Anza School is that you get to play. It can help you read and learn. It can help you write and color. But the important thing about Anza School is that you get to play.

The inportant thing about a bus is that you don’t need to work. It drives and it takes people places. It has wheels and seats. It has children. But the important thing about a bus is that you don’t need to work.

The important thing about pizza is that it gets deliverd. It gets eaten and the people who deliverd it get payed. It get trone away and it gets throne away in a dumpster. But the important thing about pizza is that it get deliverd.

The important thing about a pet is that we pet it. It runs and walks. It sleeps and wakes up. But the important thing about a pet is we pet it.

The important thing about a dog is we pet it. It runs and walks. It sleeps and wakes up. It has a dog house. But the important thing about a dog is we pet it.

he was in first grade...some things are just so precious you need to dig them OUT from the rest of the - stuff - you were saving, you know?
- posted by barbara @ 9/13/2003 07:37:00 AM  0 comments

 
sleeping at the keyboard
has anyone else been SO stubborn about refusing to go to bed that they woke up when their head hit the keyboard?

me either. hm, hm, hm hm hm...whistle while you work...

a hummingbird at our hotel over labor day, Kern River, CA, 2003
- posted by barbara @ 9/13/2003 07:27:00 AM  0 comments

 
Yahoo! News - HOW BUSH CHEAPENED 9/11
Yahoo! News - HOW BUSH CHEAPENED 9/11: As I walked home that night, the wind shifted, carrying the smell of 9/11--the familiar overheated electric odor of model trains mixed with burned flesh. It was a tiny hint of what Brooklyn got--the stench, dust and debris floated east for days. 'Everything is different now,' I remember thinking. 'Partisan politics are out the window. Bush is gonna have to rise to the occasion, like FDR did after Pearl Harbor, and we're all going to fight the bastards who did this.' I wondered how this would affect my work. Critiquing the government is my job. That would be tough in a nation united against a common enemy.

A few hundred miles south, the administration of George W. Bush was deciding how to react to the murder of more than 3,000 Americans. Bob Woodward's book 'Bush at War,' based on interviews with Bush and written with the cooperation of his top officials, explains how the White House saw 9/11 as an opportunity--not to pull us together, but to get its way on a long laundry list of partisan agenda items.

over three thousand dead - and all he can think about is what good is it to him.

sickening.
- posted by barbara @ 9/12/2003 09:27:00 AM  0 comments

 
A special speech to the nation
A special speech to the nation: I dream of a world in which people of all nations, Poles and Turks, Pakistanis and Canadians, can be slaughtered by international terrorists in an oil-rich foreign country.

he is a gold mine for satirists. just remember that ain't a good enough reason to let him keep on being president. this country was great. it can be great. away with gwbush.
- posted by barbara @ 9/12/2003 01:13:00 AM  0 comments

 
clunk.
so it turns out the miracle is not so jaw-dropping awesome after all. no more jaw-dropping than it was on july 6, 2003, when i got a phone call from my son on his dead sister's 23rd birthday: "There's a turtle in my yard."

My response, typical and initially word for word actually pretty close to the words i used after learning my only daughter was dead: "No way."

yet there it was. there you have it. a miracle. a stand-alone miracle; fortunately, it does stand on its own. vive la turtles and bekah-la my girl

- posted by barbara @ 9/12/2003 12:02:00 AM  0 comments

 
lines and lines

lines and lines

it's like i have no time. it's bullshit that i have no time but it does feel as if i have no time. cause now i have to take a shower call my friend tell her okay come over use my computer to do your online business give me a ride to my car and so on. no time.
- posted by barbara @ 9/11/2003 10:46:00 AM  0 comments

 
days gone by
my car broke down on the way home from kern river last week. vapor lock. then the bucking and missing it caused made something else go weak or loose or tight, so the car has been at the mechanic's shop since yesterday...my yacc's yacked. then my phone lost its dial tone. this afternoon i walked in the kitchen to find that my upstairs neighbor, who also happens to be the building manager, was doing her dishes and the water was being deposited directly onto my kitchen floor. the first person at the phone company apparently filed the repair order in the garbage without sharing it with anybody. that cost a day. then they came out and determined that the problem was inside and not their responsibility but did not call me to advise; another day gone and i'm jonesing for my internet! badly...then i have rory plug in my notebook but he uses the wrong plug and gets some little fireworks and throws the breaker offline and himself, the phone man, the plumbers and me into the dark. well okay just the phone guy and us.
so i GUESS the comments are working? but i'm the only person around astounded, awed, inspired, and grateful for the additional validation of turtle as miracle? i am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to speak with denise's next-door neighbor and hopefully the little girl's grandmother. She lost her daughter and should know what is going on...

anyhow i may post more later, got a million things to do and write and post and all...and the phone man just barely left. jus't kinda glad to be back and will be even more so if and when i see someone say something to me? :)
- posted by barbara @ 9/09/2003 11:51:00 PM  0 comments

 
more miracle
got this response today from my daughter-in-law regarding the picture of Micah and what i take to be a ghost:
ADDED THURSDAY 09-11-03 11:42 PM:
she had it all wrong! i talked to the neighbor today; she never saw her friend's little girl, she saw her friend's mother...and, the most remarkable thing was the hawk. the woman was amazed that [denise's neighbor] had never seen the hawk.

still waiting to talk to her and/or the mother tomorrow to delve deeper.

and the turtle was there. that is real still. but this - wow! - thing had me going so hard. here i was thinking 'i used to believe, but now i know,' and i do still believe.

WOW!!!

Hi, I hope all is well. The picture, When it first started to open I thought I saw a woman's face, but I got the feeling it was a man. Once it was completely open and I saw the colors, I felt or thought it to be an older man. Who? I don't know. My grandfather was a fisherman, but its not him. What's your thoughts?

One more weird thing to tell you, my friend had a friend die about a year and one half ago who lived around the corner on Gates. She studied shamanism and had always said she was a Red-tailed Hawk and her six year old daughter was a desert tortise. Yesterday my friend saw the daughter who she had not seen in about a year. The little girl told her that her mom is the hawk that is always in my yard. [denise's friend] has only heard me talk about the hawk she has never seen it. the daughter also said that her mom made friends with a turle in our yard. Strange! The little girl told [denise's friend] not to worry about the turtle her mom didn't eat it, because the turtle was special and had to go do more work. When she told me this I had goose bumps on my whole body. It was great it made me feel so good. Let me know what you think. Talk to you soon.

I Love You!!
Love,
Denise


and bekah, i love you. forever and ever amen
mom

- posted by barbara @ 9/06/2003 11:32:00 AM  0 comments

 
Hit and Run Suspect Captured
Hit and Run Suspect Captured: San Pedro: On Thursday, July 19, 2001, at approximately 9:45 p.m., a fatal hit and run traffic collision occurred when a 1999 Infinity Q30 collided with a pedestrian. The pedestrian was 21 year old Rebekah-Marie Bales Zask of Rancho Palos Verdes, who was walking southbound crossing 25th Street west of Mermaid Drive in San Pedro. She was struck by a vehicle apparently driving on the wrong side of the roadway at what witnesses described as an unsafe speed for conditions. Officers responded immediately and learned that Ms. Zask, who was transported to San Pedro Penninsula Hospital, died of massive injuries sustained during the collision. The vehicle that struck the victim and its driver was gone on officers' arrival.

Officers conducted a follow-up investigation from the scene, using clues left behind in debris that was believed to have fallen off from the suspect's vehicle. Subsequently, officers responded to the home of 52 year old Lynn Mary Woolever, also of Rancho Palos Verdes. Based on numerous interviews of witnesses and the suspect, Officers arrested Woolever for violation of Penal Code Section 187, murder. Family of Ms. Zask has been notified.

every once in a while during late nights that are blending into early mornings, i go look at the LAPD's press releases. the above is the one that got me started on that...
- posted by barbara @ 9/05/2003 04:14:00 AM  0 comments

 
Amber Alert Issued Saturday August 30.
Amber Alert Issued Saturday August 30.
they shook their baby to death, or are suspected of having done so. now they're taking their two children back to columbia. or at least that is what they are suspected of doing.
hm.
- posted by barbara @ 9/05/2003 04:11:00 AM  0 comments

 
Open Source Politics
Open Source Politics
i think it's a new source, of information. recommended by ray and bruce.
- posted by barbara @ 9/03/2003 09:51:00 PM  0 comments

 
Myth
Myth: We're all gone, we don't
Need to admit it -
Evidence suggests we never were
Our darkened hair
A furry tongue
Cats on tenth lives explain
There's no room left
For all the blame
The pain of birth is
Giving and taking
What you're not allowed to retain
Give it a name,
Don't destroy it -
Every day is never new
Unless I'm near you and you and you.

been workin' on this here poem for about 16 years now, i reckon...
- posted by barbara @ 9/03/2003 05:34:00 PM  0 comments

 
WTF Is It Now??
WTF Is It Now??
love that picture. wish i could make pictures like that...sigh.
oh, well...i can make pictures like this! :)

improv
- posted by barbara @ 9/03/2003 03:08:00 PM  0 comments

 
yaccs
no comments for another five days. bummer. but he's been so reliable and so reasonable financially [free]. i'll guts it out. email, message board, guest book! there are options. thanks
- posted by barbara @ 9/03/2003 02:12:00 PM  0 comments

 
complicated grieving
[the executive director at my grief counseling wants a letter...this is just a beginning and just a draft]

As my grief counselor has advised on more than one occasion, the grief that assails the bereft mother of a murder victim is "complicated." After over two years of bereavement, I believe that I have some insight into the nature of the "complications" that contribute to this bereavement engendering the most painful and protracted grief, a grief that may permanently defy efforts toward recovery, but at best will demand a mourning period that will be counted in months and years rather than days and weeks. The following are some issues and realities that have to my mind "complicated' my efforts to rebound from the loss of my daughter, Bekah, on 07-19-01. These are issues of sensitivity and education and are assuaged by attendance at grief counseling, where the feelings of the bereaved are never invalidated.

1. Humans are wired by nature to bury anyone and everyone in their life, except their children [or grandchildren].
This reality seems fairly obvious to me...before my daughter was killed I knew that losing a child would be the ultimate catastrophe [while harboring in my subconscious the absolute confidence that I would always die before my children]. It has therefore been a surprise to learn that a substantial percentage of the population is apparently convinced that the death of one's child is no more harrowing than, say, the death of a husband, or a parent. I have found that parents by and large are more readily capable of grasping the fact that they cannot know how terrible the loss is [unless and until they experience it], whereas I have actually had one young person say to me [my daughter was killed by a car], "Oh, I know, I remember when my puppy ran into the street and got run over...." as if this was a common bond we shared.

2. Humans are not supposed to kill each other.
Again, it comes as a bit of a surprise to me that some people have not grasped the fact that when one's child is killed at the hands of another person, the bereaved will have a rougher time than if that child had died of natural causes or even by accident [it is my opinion that had my daughter killed herself my grief would have been more unmanageable yet, than it has proven to be since she was murdered]. People sometimes like to say that Bekah's death was "god's will," but in the case of murder that position is unsustainable I believe, consequently I was insulted instead of comforted when this platitude was offered. As I protested to anyone who would listen in the first weeks after Bekah's death, "My mother used to always say, 'when your number's up it's up. But when it's murder, it's more like when your number's not up it's up."

This complicating factor brings with it other realities, besides the loss of the child, that will probably prolong the grieving process. These realities include the involvement of law enforcement and if the perpetrator is caught, the Court system. Every Court date found me "losing" it for about a week before its occurrence. In Bekah's case, we could never see her again due to the damage done by her killer.

- posted by barbara @ 9/02/2003 07:04:00 AM  0 comments

 
bekah laughing


YACCs is down for another day or two...in the meantime feel free to post to my message board, send an email, or sign the guest book. thanks
- posted by barbara @ 9/02/2003 06:11:00 AM  0 comments