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barbtries a blog
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
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after over a year i have resumed the task of transcribing my
daughter's writing; this is from a paper she wrote for
comparative religion class when she was 16:

I haven't given much thought to the afterlife, and
I would also rather not. I would rather just live.

ftp can be a bitch and a half i guess, which is why
instead of the picture i have blogged the URL to my
webshots albums. if you take the time to go look at
my photos i'll tell ya why i want you to: i uploaded
a picture by bekah today. it's in the "paintings" folder
and is a drawing from date unknown.

tomorrow's july. july is like...the lumbering semi on
the freeway, when every other vehicle is a compact. but
that is a weak analogy. i guess i feel apologetic. but
screw that. she just is on my mind, all the time, and
that is partly about july.

so maybe the rest of my life will turn on july, and maybe
july will always be a month during which my emotions rule
with an excruciating combination of pride, love, grief,
this stubborn incredible, incredulous disbelief [three
years?! since we celebrated her 21st birthday? and nearly
three years since our last contact, hug, conversation,
laugh, consultation...?]

unreal. bekah i love you amen, mom

Sunday, June 20, 2004
Submarine Photo Index
there's about three photos here taken by my son. beaming.

free tarot reading
Query=am i dying or just getting started [i asked this apparently
silly question because using my own mythical tarot cards i had just
spread cards for myself. i pointed at the first of four cards, said
aloud, "health," and turned over Death]

The card on the far left represents the fourfold or mystical vision:
still viewing through the previous three, we now add a spiritual element,
revealing unseen aspects of the object. Five of Music (Melancholy):
'Whatever is Born of Mortal Birth / Must be consumed with the Earth /
To rise from Generation free: / Then what have I to do with thee?'.
Emotional disappointment. Existential angst. Spiritual insights
following a sad event. Separating and moving on. Sadness, loss,
grieving. Acknowledging your mistakes. Releasing ties and attachments
from the past. In the creative process: Convert the pain of disappointment
or loss into artistic expression. Let go of something old or dead and move
on to something new and alive."

now this was really cool as was most of the reading. it encourages me.
a writer from writtenbyme? thoughtcafe? man i dunno anymore, anyway, Robert Williams, sent me
an email asking me to buy his novelResourcing Humans, so i went to check it out and the publisher seems great. so much so that it almost feels too
good to be true; there's a publisher that doesn't want my money
to publish my book.

not that publish america has said they want to publish my book! but
the submission drill is beaucoup simple. email. email, and they're
not a vanity press. so i may submit to this place, to speed up the
process, etc, and all this assuming they will be jumping at the opportunity
to publish my book. eek, get a grip. but maybe they will.

anyhow i'm not gonna get started on the obstacles i perceive arming
themselves against the publication of my book, but one of these days
soon i will, and then maybe i'll have the ego to just fucking go for
it anyway. it is my book, my story. i do believe there is much that
is worthwhile and well written in it. later

Saturday, June 19, 2004
...she is comforted in knowing she can no more be torn from her words
as she can be apart from love.
always longing and communing in her spirit.

these words from my friend/benefactor/employer/angel comfort me today...how long can i be "fallow" and still call me a writer? i wonder sometimes. overall not a great pause here.

so i did have some ideas for the blog today. why these ideas i'll never figger out but there you are. maybe cause a woman who was a friend since childhood has been on my mind, and my lips, maybe that's it. there could be any number of reasons something that seems to me to be pretty much off the wall occurred to me - as a blog entry.

so fuck it. where i grew up in torrance california just north of the tract where we lived was the shopping center del amo. and across the parking lot from del amo - which extended from sears to the south all the way to broadway on the north, and was not enclosed back in the day - was a magic chef supermarket next to a thrifty drug store.

i think my weight problem was born in the coffee shop of the thrifty [anyone else remember the days when you went to the thrifty drug store to eat?!}. fifty nine cent hot fudge sundaes. yep. ooh i ate a shitload of those and they were so good.

over at the magic chef when i was very young for a time they had an ice cream vendor there - the rocky road was the best ever, marshmallow creme and whole almonds. there are some brands out nowadays that come close but not to that level of excellence. my theory is that the ice cream was too good and they were driven out of business because they couldn't charge enough money to break even.

not with the thrifty right next door serving 59 cent hot fudge sundaes.

mmmm....i just remembered what made me think of this! it was that i heard Sufragette City today. it reminded me of the entertaining messages written on the wall in the restroom of the magic chef. this was about 35 to 37 years ago, when i was 12 or 13 years old, i guess...i remember these two graffiti:

wham means he puts it in
bam means it feels real good
thank you ma'am means he tips his hat when he leaves


to be is to do - kant
to do is to be - sartre
do be do be do - frank sinatra

now i no doubt have the philosophers' names mixed up or altogether wrong. but you get the gist.

happy father's day to all of the fathers whose children call them dad.

Friday, June 18, 2004
Massive Head-wound Cory
healthy and cancer free for a whole year - AND his baby spoke her first word.

yay cory

Sunday, June 13, 2004
so i tried it
Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates aten!
your best quality isyoure hilarious
your worst quality isyou have a huge.....ego
this is becauseof who you are inside
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

JuxtaFeelin - Hump
9. Readings- I have several in mind- I think we'll have just one or two. I'll post my ideas in another entry but any suggestions are welcome. Nothing too long.

a suggestion for juxta, one of my favorites

by John Donne

I WONDER by my troth, what thou and I
Did, till we loved ? were we not wean'd till then ?
But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly ?
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den ?
'Twas so ; but this, all pleasures fancies be ;
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.

And now good-morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear ;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone ;
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown ;
Let us possess one world ; each hath one, and is one.

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest ;
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north, without declining west ?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally ;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.

Who am i, what am i
A picture's worth

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