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barbtries a blog
Saturday, July 30, 2005
i sing of Olaf glad and big
e.e. cummings

i sing of Olaf glad and big
whose warmest heart recoiled at war:
a conscientious object-or

his wellbelov'd` colonel (trig
westpointer most succinctly bred)
took erring Olaf soon in hand;
but-though an host of overjoyed
noncoms (first knocking on the head
him) do through icy waters roll
that helplessness which others stroke
with brushes recently employed
anent this muddy toiletbowl,
while kindred intellects evoke
allegiance per blunt instruments-
Olaf (being to all intents
a corpse and wanting any rag
upon what God unto him gave)
responds, without getting annoyed
"I will not kiss your fucking flag"

straightaway the silver bird looked grave
(departing hurriedly to shave)

but-though all kinds of officers
(a yearning nation's blueeyed pride)
their passive prey did kick and curse
until for wear their clarion
voices and boots were much the worse,
and egged the firstclassprivates on
his rectum wickedly to tease
by means of skillfully applied
bayonets roasted hot with heat-
Olaf (upon what were once knees)
does almost ceaselessly repeat
"there is some shit I will not eat"

our president,being of which
assertions duly notified
threw the yellowsonofabitch
into a dungeon,where he died

Christ (of His mercy infinite)
i pray to see;and Olaf,too

preponderatingly because
unless statistics lie he was
more brave than me:more blond than you

Thursday, July 28, 2005
no this is not a parking lot
one of my original bumperstickers:

i brake for the 405

Saturday, July 23, 2005
The ICC Discussion forum #15154.21
The ICC Discussion forum #15154.21
15154.31 in reply to 15154.1
a poster asked why gawd allows terrorism. it set me off...
you might as well ask why gawd allows childhood leukemia,
deadly tornadoes, murder of any stripe, tooth decay, malaria,
cancer, racism, fascism, poverty, famine, flood, tsunami,
traffic accidents, war, hatred, leprosy, acne, the
heartbreak of psorias, heart attacks, air pollution,
global warming, child abuse, spousal abuse, sexual
abuse, elder abuse, prisoner abuse, abuse of power,
devastating hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, AIDS,
parkinsons, lou gehrigs disease, tuberous sclerosis,
polio, stroke, aneurism, persistent vegetative states,
profound retardation, birth defects, blindness,
deafness, ignorance, sunburn, unrequited love,
stillbirths, rape, armed robbery, carjacking,
harassment, slavery, i could keep typing for
days and never get to the end of the ills in this world.

why? we don't get to know that, not in this life. my
theory since the day my daughter was murdered by an
enraged drunken middle aged skank is that after we die,
we still don't know why, but the question no longer
hounds us. i can't apply the concept of predestination
to a world where people kill each other, and i don't
believe in a cognizant gawd. but if i did, i sure as
hell would not subscribe to the belief in a gawd that
encouraged, allowed, ordained, or was anything but
distraught over the lousy things people do to each other.


what do you want??

Wednesday, July 20, 2005
washingtonpost.com: Faces of the Fallen
washingtonpost.com: Faces of the Fallen

i deplore this war, and all war. PEACE

and...has that bastard rove been fired yet?

Tuesday, July 19, 2005
dragonflies, pennies, songs on the radio, turtles in the sky
some background. four years ago today, my daughter bekah
was murdered 13 days after her 21st birthday.
One and 1/2 years ago, my friend susan's
husband dropped dead at the age of 49.

the first song we played at bekah's funeral was my girl.
that song has always been about bek for me,
because i have three sons and she's my only girl.

for tim, susan played unchained melody.
they had a true and a happy marriage.

susan drove from northern california to be
with me immediately after bekah died. i still
remember her asking, "do you want me to come down?"
i said yes. she came. when tim died, i didn't ask,
i just went. at a flower store in fort jones,
i bought a stepping stone for susan to mark tim's
grave until she got him a headstone.

i have to admit i didn't remember the dragonfly.
but from the first after tim died, susan was open to his
presence. he left her pennies, everywhere...
i remember when i took a shower up there
i left all the pennies i had in the bathroom,
not for susan, but for tim, to give to susan.

so a month or so ago, susan and i were
chatting on the phone and she told me about
not just the pennies, but the dragonflies. they
pop up in unlikely places, and it turns out there
is a dragonfly on the stepping stone i got for
her when tim died. susan had never heard of the movie.
while we were chatting, i clicked on to the IMDB and
read to her, "Tagline: When someone you love dies...
are they gone forever?"

she's since watched the movie...anyhow. since tim died,
especially right after he died, the two songs have played
back to back on a couple of occasions and i always
get the chills [that means bekah's hugging me].
so yesterday i had to work out in Van Nuys.
I walk around the parking lot when i smoke.

the first cigarette and a golden dragonfly flew right by me.
i called susan and reached her cellphone...later,
first one and then a second penny appeared on the ground as if
out of nowhere. now i know that they may have already been
there, but that's not how i experienced it.

aargh. i just lost half this story to the fucking cyberspace
bogeyman. don't you just hate that?!

so i'll cut to the chase and maybe tell the rest
later. or not. at bekah's funeral the rabbi read a poem
about how the people we love inform our lives and our
selves, and, their presence is more vital to me than
their absence

for four years i've used those words as a barometer
of my recovery...if i could say those words and mean it,
i would have come far. i mean it.
turtle 7-19-05
can you see the turtle bekah gave me today? let me know...

Monday, July 18, 2005

Originally uploaded by eduardo uchôa.
he's a wonderful artist

Sunday, July 17, 2005
hangin on the couch
the WSOP has been going on,
and i've been watching the marathon while
recovering from a hectic work week and
preparing for the next hectic work week
[in other words, sapping in front of the tube].
i'm lucky cause i've got some enjoyable scenery
right here at home.
rory. playing what seems to be an
endless game of warcraft

luke. light eyes dark fur

chase. dark eyes blond fur
lola was making herself scarce, but she's still
around, and robert and simon {the girls,
our red-eared sliders}, were splashing around
in the bedroom like good little turtles.
so now it's morning. chase needs a walk,
i need a nap, rory needs to sleep a few
more hours. happy sunday y'all.

Friday, July 15, 2005
don't forget to check out the beautiful picture and poem from ili at Underground Stream


Thursday, July 14, 2005
Underground Stream
thank you so much for this beautiful remembrance of bekah

Wednesday, July 13, 2005
big business soaks the poor

At the time the purchases were made your
account had sufficient funds
authorize the transactions, however when the
merchants presented the authorizations for
payment your account did not have sufficient
funds to cover the purchases. Because the merchant
was granted authorization to those funds at the
time of the purchase, we are required to pay the
amounts regardless of the balance in your account.

After reviewing your account, I have found that
the overdraft fees were correctly applied and we
are unable to reverse any fees unless a bank error has occurred.

mr. big bank went on to say that i have already
agreed to the terms and conditions and he is going
to send me another copy of said terms and conditions.
i wrote back, and i'm paraphrasing because i did not
copy what i wrote:

you have DISCRETION to reverse charges that are
unfair. don't bother sending me the crap in the mail.
i know it's legal. that doesn't make it right.

in their first response to my request for the reversal
of $99 in what i believe to be wrong and unfair overdraft
fees, my correspondent explained that when multiple
transactions are presented to the bank in any given day,
they begin with the LARGEST of those transactions when
they post them. Why not do them in the order in which
the actual transaction transpired? Why not, if not because
doing it this way gets them more money for nothing?!

i am so pissed. and helpless to do anything except of
course, this! anyone else out there ever feel like
dropping to the ground to thank heaven for blogs?

sigh. i feel better now. hehe

Tuesday, July 12, 2005
troubles at the bank
Dear Mr. [name deleted],
I have no doubt that with minimal research, you would find that
the smaller transactions transpired on Friday
or Saturday the 1st and 2nd of July, when I had the funds
to cover them. On Sunday completely drained of cash
I withdrew $100 knowing that I would pay $33 for
the use of that cash, but felt I had no choice.
If you performed your bookkeeping chronologically
[i.e., LOGICALLY], you would reverse three of these
charges as I request.

Apparently your bank chooses to perform
these computerized tasks in the manner
that gives them the most amount of money
for nothing, and there's nothing I can
do about it? Since you CAN, you WILL.
Slimy way to do business in my opinion.


wonder if that'll change anything...for
the record, the bank is a rather large one
with horse logos and the initials w.f.

Sunday, July 10, 2005
walkin er dawg. justa walkin er dawg
shoes on line
the ambience of the neighborhood is distilled by the shoes hanging over the telephone line
mockingbird silhouette
the mockingbird that made me run for my camera in the first place.
one of these days i'll get a decent shot of a mockingbird.
ha - i used to think they called it that because it
mimicks the cries of other birds, now i know it's
because it makes itself scarce when all i want
is a decent picture of it. this silhouette was
the best i could do.
lost bird reward
i wonder if their bird ever came back home...
i wanted to get close and in focus the way deb does so well
infested rose
looks like the bugs been there before me...
if i had a yard, i'd make a garden like this, with a profusion of different flowers. i wish i had a yard.
this is LA, land of the new age gangster. wannabes sign up on the curb.
beauty persists and triumphs to spite the weed trying to choke it
and the sun sets on the freeway as my chihuahua and me head home. :)

Friday, July 08, 2005
July 6, 2005
Happy Happy Birthday Baby!

I finally put my pen to the
parchment on your 25th birthday,
lying here over your bones as
I've done so many times before,
my bare feet open to the sun
having tromped through the grass
of this graveyard, visiting friends,
mothers of friends, friends of your
brothers, and the son of a friend.

Michele gave me this book to remind
me to POEM.

POEM, poet. Prophet, POEM.

As if the years of a life were
indeed an actual eternity
the paper is true, the pen is friend,
the poem is home.

And I, Bekah, a bereft mother
still alive upon this planet...or would
it be more accurate to say,
coming back to life upon this
planet, shockingly enough,
inhabiting the same skin, depending
upon the beat of the same heart,
working my will from the mess of
the same mind, embodying the
same spirit, as I did four
short and immeasurably long years
ago---? Did I lose my train of
thought, I must check more
frequently these days.

I testify to you Bekah amen -
You whip up something stiffer
than a breeze in this July heat -
I feel you. I need you - you never let
me down.

I hope to redeem your faith in me,
and achieve success before I'm done...
As always Bekah I have to say

I Love You
I always will.

Thursday, July 07, 2005
taken yesterday at the cemetery

and now...i gotta get to work. my appreciation to all who sent wishes on bekah's 25th birthday

Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Happy 25th Birthday Bekah

Rebekah-Marie Bales Zask
my girl
July 6, 1980 - July 19, 2001

from my yahoo group:
anyone still around? bekah should be 25 today...

rory and i are going up the hill to pick some stones from
the water near the tidepools. i'm taking some of my
little turtles too...we're going to the
cemetery and grooming bekah's grave...we're
going to hang out there for a while.

i can't do what i want to do cause of money,
but i know bekah knows my heart. and i am
very thankful for many things, but on this the
anniversary of her birth, i am most thankful for bekah.

thank nature for giving me bekah

thank bekah for staying close though she was murdered

thank the people who love us who
don't judge who cry with me and remember my girl

thank love.

bekah's mom barbara

Sunday, July 03, 2005
Welcome to Anime Expo 2005!
just rolled in from dropping rory off here to play in a HALO tourney with his best friend. i didn't go inside, but the parade on the street was wild enough to tell me that anime is a passion like star trek? right?

Saturday, July 02, 2005
MoveOn PAC: Protect Our Rights

WSJ.com - Podcasting for Dummies
CC's gettin famous...couldn't happen to a nicer guy

Friday, July 01, 2005
Elderbear's Den
And fascism creeps on ...

Who am i, what am i
A picture's worth

moon phases

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I stand on the sand, and I'm rocking grief to sleep in my arms.

Poetry roll
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