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barbtries a blog
Friday, March 28, 2003
Reward offered in death of San Pedro boy

know anyone in the san pedro area who drives a green or
teal ford ranger pickup? with recent damage to the hood?
the truck being sought killed an 8-year-old boy on the
same street that bekah was murdered on. in this case,
it is unknown why the driver sped away after killing
the child; apparently evidence suggests that Andrew
Silva, the victim, attempted to cross the street before
it was safe.

just as with bekah's hit and run, not only am i unable
to fathom why, but i wonder HOW? i just don't believe
i could ever be that cold and contemptuous toward the
life of a human being. hell, i'd stop for a cat or a dog!

well i really hope they catch this skank ASAP, and throw
the book at him. Perhaps Andrew was to blame for going
into the street, but this driver's decision to flee
the scene should be sufficient for serious prison
time in my opinion.

sometimes i wonder why i prevail on people to remember
how precious life is and how easy and painless it really
is to treat others well. is there any hope that this
vanity blog of mine could actually lead to a slightly
raised consciousness for even one reader? and when
they leave my blog will they turn on the TV to study
how the president is sending HIS message, which is not
humanitarian or polite; in other words is it worth it?

i decided it was.

Thursday, March 27, 2003
San Pedro boy struck, killed by hit-and-run driver

This eight-year-old was killed on the same street Bekah was killed on...not in the same area, but on the same street. the story says that in this case, the hit-and-run driver may not have been at fault. however, that driver did not stop and has not yet identified him/herself, which i think [and hope!] would constitute a crime.

but what gets me is how could he? i just find it so hard to imagine hitting/killing a pedestrian and driving on. so fucking contemptuous toward human life and limb...so cold.

my first date was in 1969 to a performance of "Hair" during its first run at the Aquarius Theater...i'm hearing in my head just now, "how can people be so heartless? how can people be so cruel? easy to be hard...."

In this case, this little boy's 19-year-old brother was shot to death less than three months after bekah was murdered on the same street where Andrew Silva died. A sister died at two days old. There are two surviving children. my heart breaks for this family and i share Andrew's father's rage and bafflement at the actions of the driver who killed him.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003
barbtries a blog

oops...just talked to LaWanda....we're taping tonight. it's channel 38 on Los Angeles cable television. i'll report the air date when i get back.

Justice for Murdered Children

LaWanda Hawkins founded this organization after her son Reginald was murdered at age 19. She has a half-hour radio program every Monday and a cable access TV show on Wednesdays. The guest this evening: me.
The title of this evening's program: "Why Bekah?"

I tried finding a link to the show with no luck. If you are in Los Angeles and have cable, do some surfing around 6:30 pm...I'm the blonde wearing brown and talking about her daughter...:)

p.s. wish me luck...i have never been on TV and have never excelled at public speaking. On the other hand, i've never had the opportunity to speak publically about Bekah's murder, the grieving process, the court ordeal, etc., etc. I mean i do through my blog , but this is a whole different venue where i have a face a body and a voice that makes noise not letters. so i think i won't panic and be a total idiot. it's important.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Slain Marine from Lomita gave nation his all

A local young man was one of the first casualties. oh, please no more...no more war.

i think i'm flooding again. i think i might make a little detour - denial, denial, here i come.


TOMPAINE.com - Not The Full Story In the course of a rosy portrayal of the progress of the war -- which Iraqi resistance in the next 48 hours showed was premature -- Gen. Franks inadvertently had a moment of honesty. Asked whether he'd been surprised by anything in the war, Franks said he hadn't -- because the war had been planned for "at least a year."

was it yesterday or the day before i said i wasn't watching, reading? oh, i am full of shit. but not nearly as much as the executive branch of the united states government.

but yeah i have been reading. primarily blogs and other alternate/unfriendly to bush sites. this story just made it that much clearer to me that mainstream media is just pap for the masses. absolutely not trustworthy. though i admit i'm glad that there are folks out there paying attention and reporting for folks like myself...because it appears that this administration just CANNOT stop themselves from revealing their true colors, their true agendas, and their true priorities.

as this article, written by Doug Ireland and which i reached via Doug's Dynamic Drivel, also points out: Dubya and Saddam have one thing in common: They're both willing to fight to the last drop of someone else's blood.

woe to us. pray for our soldiers, all soldiers, sailors, innocent civilians, grieving parents and soon-to-be grieving parents and loved ones. war sucks so, so hard.

here's a picture of my daughter, Bekah Zask, who was murdered on 07-19-01, thirteen days after her 21st birthday:

we need beauty more than ever i suppose, as we do not have peace.


BUSHLEXIA Note: Bushlexia is term created by a loyal Bush Watcher. As it has been variously described, it's a combination of dyslexia, attention deficit disorder, apraxia, illiteracy, ignorance, laziness, passive-aggressiveness, inappropriate humor, and an arrogant attitude of privilege. --Politex

i'm trying to get a look at the video of bush on 03-23-03 that was aired on BBC. according to the story i read prior to his solemn announcement that bombing had commenced or was about to commence, bush was broadcast squirming, being coifed, and acting quite jolly about the events of the day.

if anyone knows of an active link to said video, please point me that way...thanks


Bush Watch" I want President Bush to get a good look at this, really good look here," his father, Michael [Watersbey], said, holding up a picture of the dead marine. "This is the only son I had, only son." NYT, 03.22.03 ( Son Kenneth Watersbey with photo of his father.)

I am opposed to this war. I cannot fathom a good reason for war. My son is in the Navy. Being opposed to war is not the same as refusing support for the troops. I've grown old enough to see those troops as children, because they are children. These children should not have to be dying and killing.


High Water

Here, George quotes a comment from another weblog. For me, it illustrates a kind of excruciating reality: to others in the world, what my country [the administration] is doing is what I am doing. And of course why wouldn't others in the world believe that?! I doubt THEIR mainstream media is any less controlled than ours, particularly when it comes to the news they get about "everyday" americans.

And this lovely quote: "There's only one nation over this blue ball: humanity, and it's not only US. Accept our differences. Give everybody a chance. Don't take yourself so seriously. Low your expectations on life. Think. Relax. Life is too short."

I am really happy for weblogs! because with weblogs, i can go find that post, hopefully find the blog of the person George quoted today, go there and say, hi! I'm American and I AGREE WITH YOU.

[in tears]PEACE.

Sunday, March 23, 2003
The Dog and Pony Show

CHECK the march 22 entry - interesting statistic.

and the oscars went on. i had to watch it because "in my mind i can't study war no more."

which is to say all the war news i am getting is coming from the radio, or word of mouth, or minutes spent in somebody else's living room. i don't read it and i don't watch it. though it is on my mind - more or less constantly, along with bekah, who is on my mind, maybe we're down to 22/7, maybe hovering at 23/7, which is still quite a jump from 24/7, and andy, who is 19 years old and scheduled to graduate from boot camp in less than one month, and their other brothers john and rory, and denise, my daughter-in-law, and my grandbabies micah and tyler...

other topics pass through. i have pastimes and i have friends. these do go on. but the war does too, and though in my mind i can't study it, neither can i forget that it does go on or that it should NOT go on.

hurray to the dude - michael moore, i believe is his name - winner of an oscar for something to do with documentaries, or one documentary - who stood up along with his fellow nominees and said shame on you mr. bush! shame on you you unelected asshole of a so-called president who does not give one rat's ass about the children you are killing or the children you are sending over to kill and be killed by someone's children.

i'm paraphrasing - embellishing - taking some artistic license! [hehe] - so? i probably just said what he was thinking...? no, maybe he said exactly what he wanted to say. one thing he said related to the fact that he and his colleagues like movies based on fact...and i cannot put quotes around any of this, because i'm writing from memory and cannot recall his precise words...and that we are living "in fictitious times."

i'm pretty sure that quote is verbatim. a president not elected waging a war for a made-up reason. i agree...amen, amen


Saturday, March 22, 2003
Great Lakes Online

from a letter from my "seaman recruit":
Anyway, remember how you said about three weeks into it I'd get really homesick? Well, I got really homesick about three hours into it. I've been here almost four weeks and I'm no more homesick now than I was on the plane ride here.

and...we're going to Illinois! any bloggers from chicago? Whee! I'm going to see my son graduate to a sailor.

What I wonder is where do i put my excitement between now and april 17...oh, well, guess i'll deal.

Thursday, March 20, 2003
i've taken to posting on a delphi forum for ex-members of the cult to which my dear friend and her daughter belong...yesterday a young ex-member was having a hard time, wondering if there even is a god. i wrote to her you are not alone i hope it comforts you to know that. she then asked me was i ever a believer, or a member of the cult? and i responded.
i was never a member of icoc.i'm here because of very close friends who are infected. but when i was 11 i wanted to be a nun! :) so i guess you could say i was a believer at one time. actually i believed in god probably until i was about 18, and believed that the bible was a sacred text [whereas today i maintain that the bible is a book] for about as long.

i was not raised in a church but i was raised on the golden rule and believe from all i have learned that when it comes to treating people i am more christian than the president, let alone the leaders of the icoc.

just yesterday at grief counseling [my daughter was murdered on 07-19-01], my counselor tried to tell me i must believe in god because i was saying how i do believe in the soul, and the afterlife. but that does not presuppose a belief in "god." certainly not the monotheistic omnipotent omnipresent etc god of religion. and to be honest, i have a much bigger argument with religion than with the concept of god.

the bottom line is we must CHOOSE what we believe. dogma don't do it for me. i quit believing in a cognizant god [in other words a god who gives a flying f**k about me personally] long before bekah died. but her death sent me seeking and nothing i found sent me back to a belief in a cognizant god. what i keep returning to is LOVE.

after her death, bekah did many things to rebuild the faith that was destroyed the second i learned she was dead. i mean AMAZING things that dead people cannot do. my theory is she knew me and that i would not be turning to religion to recover from her death, and so she went the extra mile to make me know she was near and that she was well, in the great beyond, on the other side, what-have-you. heaven. i thank bekah for those phenomena every day. as for god, i think the closest thing to me could be called "great nature," and i still say "amen" when i pray.



with love
bekah's mom barbara

Wednesday, March 19, 2003
American Dreamer (1984)

I've always wondered why JoBeth Williams wasn't nominated for an oscar for this role. If you've never seen it and want to watch a movie that is simply entertaining, i recommend this one. It's one of my favorites, and JoBeth Williams is perfect in it.

Monday, March 17, 2003
The Research Kitchen of the Virtual Man
protest a la woodstock, vietnam, it does start to feel familiar. i think of laura nyro singing "in my mind i can't study war, no more...save the children..."

save the country, save the country, now......

but the moronic president as i understand it has gone on record saying that in 48 hours we will have war. not for any good reason. not to end terrorism; this war, i am afraid, will have the opposite effect, but just to do it. as tom said, because he can. actually tom said "because we can," but american as i am, i mean to distance myself from the rhetoric and the warmongering of that president. truthfully i don't think he's "my" president. he isn't even an elected president. he's just a warmongering asshole with way too much power. and not a thought in his messed up head about what war really means:

death and destruction.


Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Elizabeth Smart found safe
One family gets their girl back; i am so happy for them, and for their girl.

The Flash Mind Reader

i tried it three times and it read my mind every time. this is not the first website i've visited that apparently was invested with psychic abilities. i am skeptical enough to think there must be some trick to it but i don't know what it is. if you know will you tell me? thanks

Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Mike Schiller 2002

and another brief but eloquent protest against the war that should not be

Sunday, March 09, 2003
High Water

open up your eyes and maybe, just maybe, the world - not just the world, the people who live here! - will be saved.

Saturday, March 08, 2003

Copious Blue

There would be copious Blue,
Landscapes, seascapes, skies,

Mother, wondering in wind, Blue,
Sea birds or sea lions in Blue,

Water Blue, sky Blue, creature Blue,
A black eye

Surveying the copious blue.
Dark, light, navy, baby, powder,

Phthalo by the gallon…
Blue, now I recognize, Blue

Will always be copious, copious and comprehensive.
Every other color, every non color,

Comes and goes and certainly always will
As well, though not so copiously as Blue.

Every other color or non color
Is a phase or a fancy or an

Effort to be true…but Blue
That will always be, always – copious.


Oh I think there is NO hope for that – whatever it is – poem? ‘Fraid not, dearest.

Heard from Andy – read my letter to him so I’m not required to reiterate? When I told your dad I took “Bekah – sorry. Denise,” to my lawyer’s for a character judgment, I think I told the truth. Both of you.

Darling although my mind has discarded so much of the memory from 07-19-01 to the present, your better judge of character preceded your passing and is not forgotten.

I hope it is YOU, your stamp of approval, that has precipitated this unanticipated peace regarding settlement of the civil suit. I will reiterate what I wrote to Andy – I thought I’d feel like a whore, or a dupe, or a greedy bitch who must not have loved you as much as I know so well that I did, do, and will forever…but I don’t. I think this is the right thing to do for the LIVING. And that NO amount judgment award whatever could do anything at all to assuage the pain of your murder or the travesty of the criminal case.

The only logical outcome of such thinking is that the proper thing to do is to get the most amount of money possible – your father and I are both advised that settling is the way to accomplish that.

I love you Bekah. Miss you Bekah. Here I am in yet another til now unknown sector of hell. Here, they let Hope in. Here, the energy is clearer, more positive. Here, I miss you acutely, feel you near more rarely, and martial all the courage, self-love, and healthy selfishness I will need for the remainder of this journey through the desert of despair.

I still can’t see the exit Bekah. But I more firmly and consistently believe I will attain it. Live before I die. Pursue happiness with a reasonable expectation of achieving it, via love, work, activism, advocacy, and so on.

As I get nearer that exit point I think beyond it is where I direct my own fate, have all my priorities straight, earn my living doing something that matters to me and/or that I love to do [i.e., writing. Well I doubt I’ll ever make a living shooting pool or playing poker…so you know it should be writing - :)].

I know I want to try romantic love again. Once back in life, this pursuit may still spell happiness in my life, IF I am smart enough to keep all the lessons I’ve ever learned and have self-esteem sufficient to insist on a man who:

© Is my intellectual equal or more
© Has a great sense of humor
© Loves my writing and would not love me if I wasn’t the poet I am
© Treats me right

Etc. etc. etc.

I’m not sure about the first item. Actually I’ll rephrase it: Is intelligent –

Not the more or the less or what-fucking-ever matters so much. But I would love to find a man who is capable of understanding even the more complex aspects of me. Or at least one willing to really listen when I try to explain.

In my life I know that I have been misunderstood. Sometimes the more I tried to make myself clear the less able the man would be. At other times I think I was perfectly clear, but he didn’t care enough to listen.

When I try dating again I hope I’ll be smart enough to ditch the situation before it becomes hurtful. I think I had actually achieved that with [some bullshitter i was seeing for a while] before you died. With him I believed bullshit, but I protected my heart and demanded right TREATMENT and not just the words. So I was halfway there.

That may be as far as I ever get. If I remember the truth – actions speak louder than words – bullshit cannot lead me into a broken heart. So I won’t worry the words, I’ll worry the deeds.

Don’t I sound healthy? I love you Bekah; I thank you for your loving guidance, your serenity injections, “My Girl” on the radio TWICE in one day!

Thank you for being my beautiful loving daughter – always. 8th grade grad, with her braces...:)

Amen. XXX 000

Friday, March 07, 2003

i'll miss you nico...

Who am i, what am i
A picture's worth

moon phases

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I stand on the sand, and I'm rocking grief to sleep in my arms.

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