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barbtries a blog
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Entering Spirit
happy 11th birthday to my dear friend and author!

Time is the real mystery:
Whether ancient or recent history,
Committed to, transmitted by faulty memory,
Time is lost to Now necessarily.
Now will join lost Time momentarily;
Is it not a cosmic irony,
That a lost and soulless mystery
Should rule the movement of humans so very arbitrarily?

Thursday, February 26, 2004
You Live Your Life As If It's Real: Grey
ray's written another poem with the same title as one of mine...grey

Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Sign the Petition || MillionforMarriage.org

Tuesday, February 24, 2004
1. open your mp3 player.
2. put all of your music on random.
3. list the first 15 songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing

1. i know what i know - paul simon
2. travelin' prayer - billy joel
3. my girl - temptations
4. people who died - jim carroll band
5. not too long ago - joe stampley - uniques
6. why me black brother why - mighty diamonds
7. fire and rain - james taylor
8. Wa-Do-Dem - eek-a-mouse
9. do you believe in magic - lovin spoonful
10. Wedding Bell Blues - laura nyro
11. Pass It On - Half Pint; Long Beach Dub Allstars
12. White, Discussion - live
13. Sukiyaki - 4pm
14. all for you - janet jackson
15. Shit Towne - live

what i did instead was open my media player to my "4 and 5 star rated" playlist and list 15 songs from somewhere in the middle. i wanted to leave the janet jackson song off the list, but there it is, even if i'm embarassed.

the songs i've always felt kind of embarassed about loving are on this computer, too: "what's new pussycat" and "it's not unusual." tom jones. love those songs.

i know there's computerspeak for blushing but don't know what it is. hehe, now i'm blushing. what could possibly happen to embarass me now?

You Live Your Life As If It's Real
i've been painting pictures that surprise me because i like them.
this morning i had a dream that was vivid and seemed powerful. there was a woman in it dressed to the nines obviously successful. she gave me this wonderful cupcake to eat, with chocolate mousse inside a fruity cake. told me about motivation, events, nothing cannot be risen above. i told her i had something. my daughter was murdered, july, 2001, i said. she had a friend, first we were at the beach, later, in a mall. her daughter talked to me, a young dark-haired girl. don't remember what. then her little boy, telling me, it's good to have faith - i remember feeling a little bit of the pissed i get about having this "god" shoved up in my face all the time - and i said, i have faith in myself. i have faith in bekah.

he said, okay. i woke up - the tv was on. jayson williams shot a man and tried to call it suicide. i wondered if i will ever get beyond the big dark wail. pictures of gays being married were flashed before me. i wondered why this is objectionable to anyone? who does it threaten? are these couples gauging the price of gasoline [i paid 2.10 a gallon last night, and it was the cheapest price i could find]? are they sending our children all over the world to kill and be killed so they can stay rich and powerful?

what is the argument against gay marriage? it bothers you? shouldn't that just go under the heading of "tough shit" and we all go on our way?

and why must we argue over this when the only reason it ever becomes a matter of life and death is when those opposed wreak violence on those unopposed or so engaged? and gw bush is still president!? acting like it's an issue at the same time he spins lies out of his mouth repeatedly as if it's okay to lie.

there is so much i don't get.

doodling without signature

Sugarfused: Haiku
kites poised on the moon...

Monday, February 23, 2004
in her little girl nightgown

i bought it for her and she was so adorable in it.


Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Degrees of Divinity: There's Something Happening Here
I have yet to find a way to explain why we have spent billions on war, but there are children starving and without homes. I have no problem explaining there is a range of sexuality and people should be free to live without fear of discrimination based on who and how they love. I haven't found a way to explain why it is impeachable for a president to lie about having an affair, yet we shrug off the possibility that our President lied about matters of national security which resulted in the death of thousands of people.

thank you Bruce. This expresses what i think and feel. exactly!

this country is so messed up...the priorities. what's okay and what's not okay. THINK ABOUT IT.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

sad soul, take comfort, nor forget
that sunrise never failed us yet

a few of the 68 pictures i took yesterday morning

Friday, February 13, 2004
Reality Bitchslap
if only it were so...

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Time For Your Meds
And so, I say goodbye

yeah, crazy tracy's ending her blog! this is a sad day. for whatever reason her comments didn't work for me, and so i say, tracy, just keep the links to your writing handy, if you can, and blog sometimes, if you can't help it.

i will miss this blog.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Sandhill Trek: Good News - Bad News
I hope that bloggers of conscience who oppose the war will make visible this attempt by the Federal Government to stifle protest thorugh the use of the Federal Grand Jury.

a blogger of conscience, that i will be. as well as a citizen who loved my country so much better when it was the land of the free and a true democracy. what the story is conveying, i believe [though i am barely awake, more like in between dreams], is that, yes, this administration intends, will, and in fact already is using the patriot act to shut up protesters by threatening them with a grand jury that would potentially designate them "terrorists" and enemies of the state.

the state of gw and his cronies - not my country tis of thee.

scary times. i of course do not listen or look when gw opens his mouth, but another blogger who read the transcript of sunday's "meet the press" asked the burning question that we'll never hear an honest answer to:

Bush: "I'm Not Going To Lose"
I've not yet seen Bush's interview on "Meet The Press". I planned on watching it. The Dish Network guy was supposed to be here yesterday, but the installer had to reschedule because the roads were icy and unsafe. I have, however, read the transcript.

Those five words - I think they say it all. Within those five words lurk a dark and sinister certainty that can only come from a man with absolute contempt for the democratic process: "I'm not going to lose."

You mean you're not going to lose because the American people are going to look back at the last three years and see what a wonderful job you've done with job growth and reducing the deficit and reducing unemployment and making Iraq the safe, stable democracy that it is today?

Or do you mean you're not going to lose in the same way that you "didn't lose" in 2000? What's it going to take this time, George? And why can't you just pretend that you believe in democracy and feign a little modesty, just for appearance' sake? Has it gotten to the point where you're so convinced of your right to entitlement that you don't even bother with deceiving the public anymore?

it appears that point has indeed been reached. here we are america, with a president who has no use for the truth unless it serves him particularly, and is so morally bankrupt he doesn't even bother to pretend to anymore. if he ever did. considering his military career, record as governor of texas and now president of the US in the areas of - well, actually in just about any area. if he didn't start out telling lies he's telling lies today. and as far as i can tell, considers the telling of lies part of his "entitlement." nothing morally repugnant about it - he's gw bush, and if the truth won't get him as far as a lie, why of course he's gonna tell the lie. sniff.

Monday, February 09, 2004

I want to prowl the night like an energetic ghost -
Want to plumb the facts out of the past
to hug the night like
Night hugs the desert
As if it could last -
When the Day holds sway
I want to know
I did not waste
in the hours before

I'll be
the Night blooming jasmine
I'll be
the Cactus at dawn

In the Heat I'll be
Sand or sweat
salt or sunburn
not gone.not lost.
not diminished
Day does not take a history
Light does not sour me, nor erase
energy the Night
insists upon lending me.

The Onion | Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating
Ron talked all weekend about needing to write his speech, but he finally sat down at about 8 Monday night,' Collins said. 'He had everything he needed laid out on the table: all of the papers and brochures from work, his pens and highlighters, and a tape recorder. In less than half an hour, he was cleaning the bathroom.

this is great; change the name and sex and the task from writing a speech to writing a book and you have a glimpse of how much busy work is required toto continue not finishing my book!

what a timely article. i can sooo relate to this...right on down to the head on the keyboard while it's turning light outside. i spent the great part of yesterday and today rereading group posts and emails from the first months after bekah died. there is a chapter that really needs to be transcribed and inserted in the book.

Sunday, February 08, 2004
AlterNet: The Disturbing Death of Charles Singleton
But as with every other issue in America, race is never far from discussions of the death penalty. Blacks are just 12 percent of the overall population but 42 percent of residents on death row. Whites are 50 percent of murder victims but represent 80 percent of victims in death penalty cases. The death penalty is used to punish people of color who kill whites. Black victims of black killers get short shrift from the criminal justice system and the media, unless there is a lurid story line or celebrity involvement. Otherwise, our all too common intra-group victimization goes unnoticed.

these numbers tell the story. racism alive and well and institutionalized in the good ol' u.s. of a.


Saturday, February 07, 2004
writing prompts
What I want to tell you is _____________

that i found these "writing prompts" via deb's blog, and so i thought i might give it a whirl. haven't been doing much writing lately and when i am fallow for too long i get antsy and depressed. i suppose i wonder every time if it's forever [why not? it would only prove what i've suspected all along: i'm just a wannabe, a dilettante with aspirations of validity or delusions of poetry or...whatever). when i am not writing something is not right in the world, the universe even, is out of kilter.

there are just these brats in my brain, and if i have not been writing consistently they get really snotty and try to break me down with insults and demeaning self-evaluations. confidence turns out to be another bullshitting son of a bitch; he's gone now, and if i was a stock i'd be down to a nickel a share.

during these times - the fallow times, writing swirls around my head as i think, and think. poems, letters, novels, movies...i pick up my diary, my book, or an old correspondence, and read some confidence into myself. but wouldn't it make sense to exercise too? so that's what i wanted to tell you, i think. also that i looked for "rules" or instructions on writing prompts but found none, until i went back through some archives. anyway, thanks

Five tips for a woman....
i got these in an email and they just worked so well, because by the time i got to number 5, i was thinking that's one imaginary male...

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Friday, February 06, 2004
The Black Commentator - The Awesome Destructive Power of the CPM
If a mildly progressive, Internet-driven, young white middle class-centered, movement-like campaign such as Dean’s – flush with money derived from unconventional sources, backed by significant sections of labor, reinforced by big name endorsements and surging with upward momentum – can be derailed in a matter of weeks at the whim of corporate media, then all of us are in deep trouble. The Dean beat-down should signal an intense reassessment of media’s role in the American power structure.

thank you bruce. if you don't just write something engaging, enlightening, and important, you lead me to where somebody has. the fall of the - is it the fourth estate? - independent news media is a pet peeve and an issue that is so much bigger than most americans realize.

my daughter bekah. gorgeous, huh?

Thursday, February 05, 2004
mountains sky and water

Real Joe Affirmation Bullshit Generator
the bullshit:
today i will
1)facilitate my supreme goodness
2)utilize my magical potential
3)center my inner realization

today i will
1)smoke like a fiend and eat chocolate even though i am trying to lose weight
2)curse any player who beats me, and put a curse on any dealer who gives them the cards to beat me
3) HUH? that number 3 is bullshit bullshit - inner my ass, i have been withdrawn, lazy, and depressed, so center that.

black and yellow

there is actually MUCh to write about. just for starters, rory had a kidney stone! at the age of 11. mucho more, all's missing is the impetus to write.

godammit anyhow. but it is building, i can feel it. i'm like a pressure cooker for words and soon, i really believe this, i will blow. :)

already i'm reading again! ah, january, that must be the reason. S. A. D. ya think? i think, bekah thought, so let's go with that.

and later, when i blow, i will probably have a few words about how bekah is dead now.

a self portrait created by bekah zask during the 1990's. dunno the year?

so i meandered over to facade dot com for a little validation/encouragement/excuse? and here's what i got.
will i rise from this funk of lazy?:The excerpt represents the core issue or deciding factor on which you must meditate, and is drawn from Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death by Patrick Henry:

the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and Parliament. Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot of the throne! In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope. If we wish to be free-- if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending--if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged

okay! would that be a YES, a NO, or a maybe?! i'm fucking sick of this funk of lazy. really! send my son a link to this, i haven't answered an email in a week. school? oh, no, we'll go for that in the next life or the next millenium if not the next semester...job? no, but i faxed a few resumes. didn't follow up on the only response i got, but hey it is a start. and even now i am double spacing my book so that means i will soon be printing up the actual manuscript that i will then [at least in theory] attempt to sell. and i did catboxes last night, and have begun to paint this apartment as a first step in making it livable as it was once, prior to 07-19-01 and the dread days of monster grief and cats multiplying like - like.

? maggots on a dead rat...

anyway. irony and epiphany - my companions. i'm fixing to start skipping with irony, make friends with it. we'll see how that goes.

Who am i, what am i
A picture's worth

moon phases

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