BLOGGER - How to create a BlogThis! bookmarklet

Here's the ridiculously easy way to put a "blog this" link on your browser toolbar so you don't have to go to blogger and "edit my blog"
- one of the coolest, easiest, handiest, goodies from blogger.
- posted by barbara @ 6/30/2002 05:10:00 PM  0 comments

 

Bekah the little fresser...i'm too wiped to write. but Tom if you stop by, thank you! for reading my book and giving me some real feedback.
I've been working on it today. Some things like the introduction are pretty much written but I have to transcribe...and when I get to that point, somehow I'll know it, I'll write the epilogue. Is that a correct term?

Anyhow, happy sunday. What do y'all think of this little baby girl? She's cute isn't she? lol
- posted by barbara @ 6/30/2002 05:04:00 PM

 

She laughs, laughs
opportunistically, with a sound
that was not known
Before her.
She romances laughter and
thrives on each guffaw,
A woman need never
Be bored.


Bekah's Life

i feel like the other side of the coin, the life part of her story,
should be told. her spirit demands it. Because Bekah, Bekah
was beautiful. Bekah graced and gifted my life. My blessing
on July 6, 1980 stretches beyond the night she died. Her
gifts continue, her love is real and i feel it.


but it is very difficult to focus on that, because i miss her. i am still in mourning, and it is hard to feel celebratory. I'll try.

Start with her laugh...Bekah laughed a lot, a kind of horsey, would you say, squealy, perhaps, breathless, somewhat, oh screw it! Bekah's laugh was unique, absolutely unique. You cannot replicate it let alone describe it. Bekah's laugh was so unique that i sounded her about it at her 21st birthday celebration last july 4th - i remember her face, weakened with laughter.

"I know, but I can't help it," she laughed.

Bekah's laugh was so unique that it was talked about at her funeral by three different speakers.

That's as far as i can go for the moment. Certainly there will be more. Bekah's life was just that: a life. amen
- posted by barbara @ 6/28/2002 11:52:00 PM

 


why i love that girl...love that girl

ExIcoc.Org - The online community for former members of the International Churches of Christ

I said i would report on the responses to my post about my friends who are stuck in this cult. This next post was written after i had been assured that my fears were very well-founded.

Thank you for your response. Sometimes I think I'm just being hysterical, or transferring because of my own grief. but when I ask the people who should know, my worst feelings about what is going on with my friend's daughter are validated.
I have always more or less known that my friend changed in a basic and not healthy way when she joined the cult, but I just thought "jesus freak" and left her to it. i bemoaned the narrowing of her mind without appreciating that it was actually being recreated outside of her own free will. it has been an education learning that what Newsweek termed a "benevolent" cult is anything but benevolent.

I was especially enlightened to learn that kip mcKean and the other leaders from Boston in the 1980's undoubtedly, unequivocally KNEW beyond a doubt that their recruitment and discipling systems are psychologically harmful to PEOPLE and they did not care, apparently still do not care.

What a scam: a pyramid scheme, and overhead is minimal, since what you're selling is eternal salvation. No factory, no inventory. To make it even more perfect, instead of having to hire workers and pay them, THEY PAY YOU! Could anything be sweeter? Yes! Call it a church. No taxes. No governmental interference. Power, money, travel, and the hapless masses are so hooked they might as well call us "GOD," because as far as they know we hold the key to their eternal life.

The people who have perpetuated this massive travesty are in my opinion persons of NO faith, NO respect, no morals or ethics. That they bandy words around like "sin" and "repent" and "pray" is the most contemptible hypocrisy. I know that most of the "church" leaders were drawn in the same way my friend was and do not doubt that many continue the abusive and intrusive practices in good faith. But where does one draw the line? There must be members who know what is going on and have known for years, and have stayed and played along for their own selfish reasons. When does a member go from "victim" to "perp"? Perhaps only each one knows for him or herself.

To see the damage that has been and is being done to two people who deny it and embrace it as being "good for them" is actually excruciating. When I spoke to my friend about a week ago I started crying, knowing by then that to bluntly state, "You are not in control of your own mind," would be less than useless and still wanting, a lot, to just say it! So I hinted at it by saying that I would still be there for her no matter what.

She surprised me when she insisted that Kip's being "taken out of leadership" only "convicted" her further that she is in the right church. Then almost immediately it was clear that she has not been told the truth. And these different stories are very interesting. It seems that I, a person who has never attended a single service or bible study of this "church," may have the most accurate information regarding why he has been "taken out of leadership." She did not know that any of Kip's children had left the movement. Her daughter knew that Kip's daughter had. The former member with whom I spoke on the phone last week told me that his youngest son and his daughter have left the movement, incidentally many months before Kip finally stepped down. This person also told me that he was forced to leave and would not be back, which my friend scoffed at. Then I surprised her by asking who her discipler was, and how long she's been with this woman.

My friend is not herself. From my perspective the damage and the manipulation and the skewed approach - the absolute irony of an institution that promises salvation in the name of Jesus Christ putting the screws to trusting, faithful people ruthlessly - are so clear. She and her daughter both insist it is not the way it is.

Another thing I wanted to make clear to my friend is that most of the ex-member's stories reveal that they most emphatically did not "leave god" when they left the church [i personally am not drawn to any kind of organized religion, actually i am repelled by it, so the sincerity of many of the believers in spite of this "church" verifying everything i have ever thought objectionable and then some impresses me a lot]. I have been truly struck by how many ex-members are still faithful to their fundamentalism and desire to be guided by the one book. I wanted her to know that, and that she has been lied to is so obvious. She actually got sarcastic and said something like, "And how are their lives?" insinuating that she is convinced that the lives of ex-members are always worse and never better than when they were in the movement. I mean from her tone of voice she absolutely believes that people who have left are NOT happy campers. In that context as well she made it clear the one thing neither of them will admit out loud to me: they are in the "OTC."

I apologize for rambling on. There is even more, but what I am still trying to grasp is, what can be done to help them? Among other things I believe that my daughter's tragedy may end up paving their way out of the cult. As of today I am the only one of the three of us who wants to see that happen! In the meantime her daughter is miserable as her life is...not much of a life.

If she hadn't gone to my daughter's grave and left that letter, I never would have learned what I now know about this cult. Since I do know, and can see by my friends' behavior and lifestyles that what i have learned is true, I feel a strong impetus to help them. It was much easier for ME before I got educated about the ICOC; ignorance IS bliss. But within that bliss a 23-year-old woman is desperately unhappy during a time of life when she should just be going to school and having fun. Though she wants to attribute her pain to unresolved grief over my daughter's death, I personally believe it has been being "put to her" for at least ten years.

Maybe I just want to be instrumental for my friends because there is nothing left for me to do for my own daughter. I have to question all these things, because 1. my friend and her daughter both insist they are perfectly happy in their wonderful church, and 2. I am still dealing with my own grief after having sustained the greatest possible loss.

I deeply appreciate responses and advice from ex-members, who can verify or clarify my perceptions and help me get perspective. I don't know what i can do, but I do know that what I do NOT want to do is screw up when it comes to dealing with them and this issue that they have not acknowledged [to me at least] is an issue.

Sorry again, for running on so long. And so long-windedly. :)
barbara
- posted by barbara @ 6/26/2002 10:33:00 PM

 
www.kcal9.com - TOP STORIES -Judge Removes Damon Van Dam

A few days ago i commented on this trial and offered that the deflection of the issues by the defendant's lawyer was frustrating for me and probably driving the victim's family to distraction.Now her father will not be able to be present at the trial of who may very possibly be his daughter's kidnapper and murderer.

Bekah's Death
The criminal case against bekah's murderer was decided in chambers and in offices where her family and loved ones were not invited. That my girl was denied her earthly justice continues to complicate matters for me as i attempt to recover from losing my daughter - who was healthy, happy, and 21 years old - a process that would under optimal circumstances still be the hardest thing i have ever attempted.

On 07-24-01, five days after she killed Bekah, rambo was arraigned in the san pedro court. although the detective failed to call me prior to the hearing, i had called the court myself, and rushed over to san pedro with a friend who had traveled from Northern CA for bekah's funeral, which was planned for the following day.

The judge was one of those been-there-done-that blase sort of guys, and i will always remember the audible surprise in his voice when he announced rambo's case: "...and Ms. Woolever is charged with [pause, quizzical uplift in voice] ...murder." I will also never forget the detectives response when I thanked him later that day for making the case for murder: "We felt it was appropriate under the circumstances."

The 53-year-old woman who had torn my daughter out of her life in a violent, gruesome few seconds on 07-19-01 was still in jail. She was in handcuffs and appeared to be very agitated, afraid, uncomfortable.

She seemed to feel sorry for herself.

I leaned forward in my chair and stared. Stared. Stared. Until the bailiff moved to between rambo and myself. He never spoke aloud to me, but it was obvious that he was not going to let the defendant be "over"looked at by this unannounced visitor to the court [meaning me].
So i leaned back in my seat. Noticed that when her attorney asked for something outrageous in the way of bail, like OR [own recognizance] or $50,000, the judge almost laughed at him. However, he did cut her bail in half, from one million to 500 thousand dollars. On 08-08-01, Bekah's killer got out of jail. Half a million bail couldn't keep this woman behind bars.

Bekah's body was put into the ground at Green Hills Cemetery the day after her killer's arraignment. Bekah's body will never be released. Bekah's spirit and soul...survive. I believe that.

rambo was taken back into custody on 02-15-02 after plea bargaining her way out of the murder charge and being sentenced to four years for felony vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence while intoxicated and felony hit and run. She could have been sentenced to 15 years, but she got four, the least amount of time possible for the crimes for which she was found guilty.

When she gets out in two years, if she murders somebody else the same way she killed Bekah, you might be thinking, aha! two violent convictions, she will go away 25 to life this time. Of course you'd be wrong. Rambo has no strikes. That's right, no strikes.

She killed Bekah so brutally we could not even see our girl to have one last hug, to really know that truth that our whole entire beings rebelled from believing, to advise the police or coroner or doctor that, "Yes, it is Bekah." Nope. the "massive trauma to the head" sustained by Bekah, inflicted by rambo, was so destructive that we were persuaded by the people dealing with us not to look at her. And so we buried our precious girl without a last look or touch.

But her crimes don't count as violent.

After being told by her father that Bekah was dead, I made note of the following in an effort to make myself believe:

1) Bekah is not here; she is not with Matt, or Paul, or at home, or anywhere. If she was alive we would have seen her, heard from her...
2) The policeman verified that Bekah was dead. After my ex told me over the phone, i got the names and numbers of the investigating officers...first i called bekah's older brother and told him this news i really did not believe, then i called the police and calmly asked whether my ex-husband had been telling me the truth when he said my daughter was dead.
3) I called her best friend, who was already crying, talked to Paul who was inside the building when Bekah was killed [bekah was crossing the street to visit with Paul]. When i asked him how he knew it was bekah he said, "her shoes..." and he lost it...he said, "Bekah WAS the love of my life." past tense...i don't think Paul would be so upset if it wasn't Bekah...

Bekah's father and 17-year-old brother, my son Andy, arrived. John, my oldest son, showed up. I had by this time woken up Rory with my wailing, although had not shed a single tear. There must be some kind of belief, acknowledgment, before tears can flow. Over a long night in my living room we gathered. her father related how it was imparted to him that there is no doubt: it is Bekah, she is dead, but don't look at her, massive trauma to the head...even so, at daylight John and I headed for the hills with the plan to see Bekah, to hug her one last time, to learn that she was dead...

We first went to where Bekah died. Her car was still parked across from her friend's apartment building. I hugged Bekah's car. Chalk marks and the soot from many flares verified that something really bad happened there recently. We readily found where each of Bekah's laced-up Skechers landed, but we visited the site three times before finding the spot where Bekah landed. This is because it is so far away from her shoes - we did not think to walk so far from her shoes. We didn't know then, about how rambo dragged Bekah's body down the street. A Channel 11 Newsvan had apparently camped there overnight. When the reporter approached me to ask for an interview, I asked him what does he know?

That's when i learned that my daughter was killed by a middle-aged woman...somehow i had it in my head that it would be a young man...reckless, drunk, remorseful. but no. it was Rambo - a 53-year-old woman with a reputation.

I would not go on camera with the reporter but did tell him that bekah's 21st birthday had passed only 13 days before her death. My mind was finally convinced about what my heart and soul would not acknowledge for months yet: Bekah is dead...but still, could i bury her without hugging her one more time?

At the hospital the first tears appeared, hot, brought on by a shuddering wave of the single most terrible realization i have ever experienced. A noise escaped my mouth when the tears sprang from my eyes, and John said, "What?"

I said, "Bekah's dead!"

Oh to relate the despair of that realization. Impossible, cannot be done. And remarkably it would be still many more days and nights before I really believed. I mean really; and months after that, acceptance, which is an ongoing process so excruciating it likewise defies expression in words.

Instead of being taken to bekah's side, we were taken into a room within the hospital. A nurse or supervisor came into the room carrying Bekah's chart, and as tactfully as she could, convinced me that we did NOT need to identify Bekah's body. Not even to hug her one last time. As she kindly and patiently recited minute by minute details of Bekah's death, the attempts they made to bring her back, the timeline, the nature of Bekah's injuries, I turned to John and said, "We will never see Bekah again."

But it wasn't a violent crime no...no strikes.

christ i didn't even think i wanted to write! oh well. doubt if anyone will work their way through this whole post but i think i needed to revisit that experience again. amen, bekah love you miss you always

- posted by barbara @ 6/25/2002 11:46:00 PM

 
Williams v. County of Los Angeles Class Action Settlement

I am a plaintiff in this case I learned today. It relates to what, until Bekah was murdered, were five of the most stressful dehumanizing days in this years-long life of mine.

Five days in jail, October 1997...crime? Well, they got me there on a DUI and kept me there for poverty. Today I found out that they kept me there longer than they had a right to, and that they took unjustified liberties with my person while they did so.

I could have told you that. or not. I hesitate to even put it on my blog...that has got to be because, although i do have valid complaints regarding why i was there and what was done to me there, i still was culpable. so it is shame, my shame that makes me hesitate.

When I first thought, ah, barbara, must you? I realized that as terrible as the experience was, it was a walk compared to losing my girl. And i NEVER hesitate to expound on Bekah's murder, bitch about her killer, cry wail moan tell tell tell!

So ... WHY would i be comparatively eager to write at such length and frequency about the WORST thing that ever happened in my life, and so reluctant to discuss this other, despicable, five days? i am not lying when i say that i seriously believe i suffered a post-traumatic stress syndrome upon my release. christ i was pissed, and impotently so. and i have done some writing and shared some of that as well. and it is a real issue and giving the class action lawsuit some publicity may very well prove a good deed for someone else victimized by the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department during the period of time applicable.

so back to WHY...guilt shame self-contempt that's why. but that is for the most in the past. the experience itself is just as devastating as i had ever imagined. humiliating, dehumanizing, mortifying, you come up with the next word. i was incarcerated in what was nicknamed "twisted towers," the newer los angeles jail facility. and for 5 days i was just shit, just pure shit, less worth, less dignity than a dog.

My points total 4 according to my calculations. I will send in the claim.
- posted by barbara @ 6/24/2002 08:41:00 PM  0 comments

 
when madness isn't madness but looking around, seeing and reading, there is much madness - look inside and find it don't assign it or create it celebrate it - it's yours. pretty basic too. when i was a teenager i had to embrace my madness or so i thought to learn to love myself. over the years it has become very clear. i've nothing on the world when it comes to insanity. all i ever did was write my truth. that's all, just opened up my chest and bled all over the page.

words spilled sometimes of their own accord. sometimes with great reluctance, pushed out by determination and need. sometimes enlightened by epiphany or fired with passion. but they were and are mine. necessary. not really more or less than absolutely necessary.


ReelClothes.com
So you're a movie fan? a clothes horse? have beaucoup bucks? this is a site you might enjoy.

It's news to me and i thought i'd like to share it and probably go browse it later. but almost like a train of thought i found myself here when originally i was at ebay checking out my bid on "What Dreams May Come," a Robin Williams movie that has been strongly recommended to me. From there i decided to check out the Internet Movie Database for reviews and so on, and following one link after another related to the movie i came upon this site.

I didn't stay long though; just long enough to learn that for $950 you can have the actual wedding outfit worn by Robin Williams in "When Dreams May Come."
- posted by barbara @ 6/24/2002 02:30:00 AM  0 comments

 
Cartogra: View all Photos
Here's my graphics server. at least until they screw me somehow or i find out i'm not ALLOWED to use my account this way...

in which case i will undo years of work and use my barbara.bales.com space for my graphics server. that will entail a major league hassle because i've identified that address as my "Bales Law" page for two or three years and many guestbooks, etc.

so here's hoping cartogra's the keeper. advice: DO NOT USE ABOUTME.COM
- posted by barbara @ 6/23/2002 05:50:00 AM  0 comments

 
So these days when i open my blog the following image pops out at me from anywhere and everywhere: 4-29-07, the image is gone and i've just ganked a new one off my flickr page...


enough of aboutme! screw it, screw them, gawd only knows what their agenda is. cannot get help, cannot reach any human, and now my graphics are coming up tacky advertisements. screw 'em, really. guess they'll be glad about that.

it may be a couple days before the template is back up to par. bear with me. on the other hand i may finish it in a half hour. har har har

june 24, almost 9 am. i think i've gone through and replaced each one of the aboutme logos with, if not the original intended, one of my very own graphics. i think i'm done and hope it's forever! yeegads and all that....
the tree in front of where her shoes landed, where her friends made a shrine to my girl:

- posted by barbara @ 6/23/2002 05:24:00 AM  0 comments

 
Just another day...

he said "this propensity to lie to myself" got me thinking about this old poem of mine:

Miserable

I despise whys
Because I know too well
How whys lead to lies
And lies lead to hell

Still, I've been capable
Of telling lies to myself
Baby I have burned from the inside out
And so, although this Bastard Doubt

Might seem to be a drowned residual
It is so true
That together with you
It is making me entirely

Miserable


:) that's the poem. lol

here is bekah for a day:

- posted by barbara @ 6/21/2002 11:52:00 AM

 
FBI, port police investigate rumors of al-Qaida ship
All i really want to say about this is i hope they're more conscientious following up on this than they apparently were about the hints regarding 911.

I live in LA not more than 5 minutes from LAX. My surviving children and the majority of my loved ones live in or around this megalopolis. Yet I feel no fear, not actively anyway.

I think it's human nature: like living with the constant threat of a major earthquake. We just could not get through our days as we must if we indulged in fears over what "could" happen.

On 09-11-01 and for several days afterward I waited for the west coast shoe to drop. I didn't actually fear it so much as I expected it. Now I'm not so sure. I guess I do have some fear laying back there in my mind; I just brush it off, because like all fear, it's useless to me. If terrorists show at my door and blow me away my fear that they might will not help me.

I've lost one fear since Bekah died. The fear of death. I no longer fear death. When I die I get to be with my girl again.



Matt Cramer's ICC Archives

More...on the Kip McKean and Cohorts Cult. otherwise known as the international church of christ

the maker of this page was almost sucked in. his page includes a lot of good information as well as some biblical responses to some of the cult's teaching, which they claim always to come straight from god's word. he also offers downloadable pamphlets to give possible recruits to save them from being "saved" by the cult that will not save a soul...
- posted by barbara @ 6/19/2002 07:40:00 PM  0 comments

 
All the shit-stained BVD's,
Runny noses, bloody knees,
Tear-filled eyes and wax-filled ears,
All the messy childhood years.

Broken noses, broken hearts,
Fragrant roses, stinking farts,
False bravado, silly fears,
All the messy teenage years.

Independence, work, and love,
Your turn to handle all of the above,
This rhyme on time will do what it can
To toast a son who's become a hell of a man.

I love you John! Look up and around and you will find the present from your wife and children.

A Rhyme on Time

Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there...we'll be brunching at
Warehouse in Marina Del Rey


- posted by barbara @ 6/16/2002 08:40:00 AM  0 comments

 
COURTTV.COM

i've not a lot to say ... but since i have been getting visitors i thought i would at least be sure they had something to look at.
been watching the van Damme [sp?] trial. you know the one, the trial of the swinging parents.
it just sickens me, and i don't know if it's the media or if the media is only responding to the populace. but i just feel like standing up and screaming sometimes:

"THIS IS ABOUT A 7-YEAR-OLD CHILD WHO WAS KIDNAPPED AND MURDERED!"

oh, her poor family must be nearly insane with grief and frustration right now. they must be; i'm not related to them, i didn't know and love their little girl, and i am at the screaming point [i generally cannot watch the trial for any length of time because it frustrates me that much]. no doubt i am sensitized because my daughter was murdered, her justice denied, and the truth spun and twisted both for her family by the DA [and his policeman PR man] and for the media by her killer's lawyer.
i was going to write lowlife lawyer. but that would be redundant, and i'm trying to be a good writer.

- posted by barbara @ 6/14/2002 10:21:00 AM  0 comments

 
Emode.com: What Color Is Your Aura?

I'll let you know the color of my aura when I do. I've taken this test or one much like it months ago and was blue/purple. I think. Numerologically [sic?] my aura is bronze.

Bekah's was gold, based on the numbers. Based on the picture taken at the Pinnacles last August right after she died, Bekah was gold.


- posted by barbara @ 6/13/2002 10:23:00 AM  0 comments

 
MyDearDiary.com -- CHURCHorCULT's Personal Diary

This guy is resurrecting his webpage, which I found while searching the web for more information on the ICC...his story regarding how he came into and got out of the Los Angeles Church of Christ is very interesting.

today's Bekah treat:


Second day in a row nightmares:
just now a plane crash down the street, being accosted by a young man who was burned in the arm, running, yelling, Call 911! Call 911! A plane crashed at the corner!

Second day in a row a university is the setting:
Going home with Rory. by foot. We went through a park and Rory was tagging along behind me or hurrying up in front of me. A young boy was playing in a playground and we struck up a conversation. in no time at all this really cute little boy had expressed his racist hatreds, which could only have been learned at home. he talked about one group or another with less than flattering epithets, dropped the "n" word...i said ooh you said the "n" word as i was leaving the park Two young women walking through over heard me telling him bigotry no good or something, and i think i said how we going to get better. One of the girls said something about the kids' over bearing casual hate..."he said the "n" word?" and I said yes, he said the n word.

then i woke up sorta. blur in my eyes that want to close, and there's more. for instance another party! what's with the parties in dreams? this morning joyce was there. but i cannot go on, i must go on and dream further....
- posted by barbara @ 6/13/2002 06:15:00 AM  0 comments

 
CHURCHORCULT

This site is possibly the one i've been looking for. anyway it looks like i won't be going back to sleep after all.
I'm getting closer to doing something. Just something! After reading an article at the LA CoC's page I was just too pissed not to let someone know. so I posted the following over at ExIcoc :

This morning, after visiting the LA website and reading "The Vision Series: Fruit in the Workplace" by Alicia Crank on the LA CoC's website, i was so pissed i wrote this in the feedback form before i thought better of sending it:

i find it disgusting that your 'church' pervades every aspect of a person's life so fully. my dear friends who are in the LA CoC are pariahs to most of their lifelong friends because they have forgotten how to relate in any way that is not infected by your cult. If i had to work with someone jamming their personal religious agenda down my throat 40 hours a week - well, i wouldn't. one of us would have to go.
But you don't really care whether your members do well in their careers, correct? work is just one more opportunity to lure disciples into your cult.
Disciples who all started out being 'people' as in human. Humans should be allowed to be human. people were made to work and learn and play and do any number of things. your cult's tunnel-visioned insistence on perpetual proselytizing by members validates a concept of people as less than or more than human. But people are always going to be human. and that is not a crime nor is it a source of shame.

I almost did send it, but am so fearful of making this situation worse instead of better. i am so angry at this so-called church.

Because by choice i do not practice a religion, i've always been less than receptive to any evangelization [i.e., i'm not always nice to the jehovah's witnesses at my door]. so there has never really been any danger of me becoming a "disciple" of the Kip McKean & Cohorts Cult.

However, a dear friend of mine since childhood has been a member for more than the past 10 years. During those years we have spent very little time together. Can anyone guess why?

At first she wouldn't stop trying to get me to go to her "church" but over time i assume she [and her discipler - i only this year realized that she has had someone discipling her for all of these years] recognized that i never was going to go there.

One thing that has always angered me about any unsolicited proselytizing is that i don't go knocking on doors trying to change what you believe, why do you do it to me? Also of course her life did not go on without "church," so there were progressively less opportunities for us to spend time together.

However, we are friends in the truest sense of the word - which is to say for life. When my daughter was murdered last July, my friend was there for me and so was her daughter, who is also fully entrenched in the cult mentality and had wasted several proselytization efforts on my daughter. This is how I came to study this destructive cult so diligently over the past few months.

When i found a letter from my friend's daughter on my daughter's grave stating, "i would happily change places with you" i was alarmed [my daughter was 21 when she was killed and my friend's daughter will be 23 this month]. it would be more FAIR for me to die instead of my daughter, so if i expressed such feelings it is understandable, but i was saddened and worried when i found that letter from one so young.

I recalled Newsweek's characterization several years ago of the church as a "benevolent" cult and a TV expose that said they believed they are the "one true church." I was concerned at how depressed this young grieving woman sounded and decided to learn whether it was, as i suspected, because she was convinced that my daughter had been remanded to hell to burn forever.

After extensively studying the ICOC on the web, conversation/email with a former member, and [as tactfully as possible] questioning my friend and her daughter, I do believe that this young woman is suffering from not only that delusion and what it implies about her childhood friend, but feelings of responsibility because she never got my daughter to join.

Is there a former member on this board who can advise me whether I may be correct? and what may be the long-term effects of these beliefs on this person? Whether there is anything i can do to address the situation? Since my daughter's death this girl's life has derailed. She did not achieve grades high enough to maintain her status at a local university, lost her apartment, and is staying somewhere while her belongings are in storage. If nothing else i do not see that their membership in this "church" has given my friend or her daughter any confidence spiritually or any comfort or wisdom regarding the tragedy of my daughter's murder. beyond that i am convinced that they are victims of a destructive cult. Is there anything that I can do? I've lurked on this board for weeks afraid to let my friend know that i was educating myself about her "church," but now i have talked with both her and her daughter and asked about kip's "sabbatical" and "dating," even the "OTC" aspect. Not that either one admitted anything but satisfaction and contentment with their "church."

Now I understand why my friend has been "tired" every time I spoke with her for the past decade. What really distresses me is her apparent blindness to her daughter's struggle.

It is very interesting that the daughter denies believing that the ICOC is the "OTC" [but she would never consider dating anyone outside of the "church"], and her mother will not state so for the record...yet, when i found the letter that should have been a warning regarding her daughter's emotional health, my friend said, "oh i know exactly what she means, don't worry about it." i think they both DO subscribe to the "OTC" concept, as well, obviously, to the "ends justifies the means" approach to sharing with others about their "church." which is to say that our long history as friends has apparently not kept either of them from deceptive and elusive responses to my questions, if not outright lies.

My friend's daughter hounded my son so hard after my daughter's death that he finally told her she would have to stop calling although it distressed him to do so.

Any advice or help would be so welcome. i apologize for the length of this post. Gulp!, and thank you ,

The responses and more of my concerns later...
Thee Alumni - DisfellowshipedIt's amazing...the depth of information on the ICC appears bottomless
- posted by barbara @ 6/12/2002 03:58:00 AM  0 comments

 
Bloginality: the INTP personality
This is a larger explication of what is touted as my "bloginality" - but there is not really any humor around it. To the best of my knowledge the test i took was designed to reveal what my personality is like, which it probably is as accurate as can be accomplished in such a short test.

Hell, what do i know. it's the next day again! and i am really sleepy again! and resisting for what or who i do not know; it's how i am. bekah. suddenly i felt you near me, in fact i think you are draggin ,,,
then. i woke up
amen
- posted by barbara @ 6/12/2002 02:45:00 AM  0 comments

 
Just another day...

This guy commented for me! And verified my sanity while he was at it. he has a nice looking blog and even poems! so this be a keeper. Oh, yeah. Check out his list of blogs [reads] - you got it! He is only the second blogger to bookmark me, after Tom .

It's just really kinda cool when that happens. Here's a picture of Bekah on her last birthday as a living person. Gawd she was beautiful:


- posted by barbara @ 6/11/2002 03:00:00 PM  0 comments

 
barbtries a blog

Okay, okay, it's all back now!!!!!!!!

i swear to gawd i thought i had somehow offended the good folks at bravenet. so i upload my little flash to a different place, blog it, check it, what do you know?! I didn't have to do that.

I love computers, and the internet, but can you think of anything more frustrating sometimes? I can actually. Mechanics. I would have multiple nervous breakdowns if i had to spend any appreciable amount of time finessing little screws into dark greasy places that come alive in their efforts to reject. oh, well. news i am being sued along with bekah's murderer, her husband, my ex-husband, and does 1-100. so i should really, really, really try to sleep tonight or i might sleep through my morning appointment with my attorney...
- posted by barbara @ 6/10/2002 11:26:00 PM  0 comments

 
SWiSH Movie - mysecond.swi - www.swishzone.com

let's try again. okay. i have an antivirus running. i connect via modem. Why are my places disappearing!? The previous bad link was to my bravenet page, which was to be bekah's memorial page. it's gone. i still have my account with bravenet, i guess, but the "bravepages" are inaccessible. Might it be because i linked the flash animation to my blog? will geocities lock me out next?

and then there's aboutme.com where twice i have uploaded mucho pictures for this here blog. i can no longer log in and i know my password...there isn't even a link at login that says, "forgot your password?" so i could verify it, but i didn't forget it.

paranoia will destroy ya... on the other hand, sometimes even the paranoid is being followed. soundtrack to "Jaws" please. and if you are reading this and have any kind of clue about what may be going on, please por favor with pickles cherries and hot fudge leave me a comment.

thank you, whoever you may be
- posted by barbara @ 6/10/2002 11:20:00 PM  0 comments

 
SWiSH Movie - mysecond.swi - www.swishzone.com
I'm making Flash Animations now...ooh ya i am so cool.

Just almost kidding. This is my very first flash animation and if you do click on it you will see it does not quite add up to "Citizen Kane" as far as movies go.

But this is the very coolest thing about it : I did not have to put out hundreds of dollars for a macromedia application to do it. The program is called SWiSH - Create Flash without Flash, i did manage this animation with almost no instruction whatsoever [and i have lots to learn, and will do all the tutorials], and you can try it for 15 days free.

Then it's fifty bucks. I mean, I think I'm going to buy it! I'm poor and cannot afford Macromedia even though I have the highest esteem for their products. And with this program I was actually able to see something approximating what I wanted to see in a relatively short period of time.

Remember your first database, or publishing program, or what have you? Man I do. When I finally forced myself away from my sister's PC to have a cigarette, my lips were dry and cracked, and much to my surprise it was LIGHT outside. I offer this tale because I have a feeling that the flash I made this morning may have taken a couple minutes longer than it felt.

SWiSH.
- posted by barbara @ 6/10/2002 12:35:00 PM  0 comments

 
SelectSmart.com Selectors
This is the closest I've come yet to a site that would generate a quiz...not that I really want to put a quiz on my blog. No, it's just considering with all the [stupid, ridiculous, trivial, timewasting] quizzes around [oh, yeah, I've taken several and even posted the results once or twice], what the hell would my quiz be?
So all I've come up with at this absurd hour is teeth. That's right: WHAT TOOTH ARE YOU? Take my quiz.

I'm a canine. I'm a bicuspid. I'm a molar. I'm a fang. I'm an incisor. I'm deciduous, I'm permanent, I'm crooked, I'm corrected, I'm buck, I'm decayed, I'm sick of fucking quizzes.

Have a wonderful Monday.


- posted by barbara @ 6/10/2002 04:53:00 AM  0 comments

 
Bob's Web Toilet
A writer at Thoughtcafe; he can be so funny. check it out. especially if you are studying Voltaire and need help.


- posted by barbara @ 6/09/2002 12:35:00 PM  0 comments

 
Poetry News June 2002
Scroll down a little bit until you see a flashing sign, which reads, "Certified Poets Hall of Fame/Nomination Site"

i will be getting an award, my first web "award," but until i do, go see my very own name [referring to me, ya] as a nominee.

then do as i plan to: go check out that poets hall of fame. lol

happy saturday? Does anybody read what i write? that is what i really really wonder. Ok, saying you do, and you're from So. CA, what do you know about the goodyear blimp?

i have an idea for my daughter. "for rebekah on her 22nd birthday"

it could be the title of a movie, eh? oh, sorry. i'm feeling...irreverent. or is that exhausted.

of course there are many other things to wonder about. bekah's death chief among them. and how did it get nearly eleven months later when in some respects i am still waiting to see her slender self standing outside my door, and still expecting that i will be juggling and cooking and washing and sweating in the kitchen to the comforting tones of all of my children and grandchildren connecting just a wall away.

now...i start to choke a bit. life. life is not the same without my precious girl. love you bekah-la eternally , kisses , hugs , cartwheels and memories and until you are candy for my eyes once again
amen


- posted by barbara @ 6/09/2002 12:28:00 AM  0 comments

 

- posted by barbara @ 6/08/2002 01:24:00 PM  0 comments

 
Imgstudio.com - your FREE online photo album. Have fun with your pictures.

can someone, anyone tell me about aboutme.com? they change my password, apparently, don't tell me, delete my account, shit. as of oh, about a half hour ago my graphics were still in place but i could not log on. thanks to another blogger,john, i have learned of a different place to store my graphics. let's see how it works. it is definitely different from aboutme.com and i am not even sure i am going to accomplish the correct URL so here goes:

it's bekah showing off her tongue ring...

took like at least three tries to figger the URL to show the picture. and in between times i got YACC'D at! like hallejujah [sic?] so i went to reciprocate asap and found a really interesting blog. check it out...Time for your Meds
- posted by barbara @ 6/08/2002 03:17:00 AM  0 comments

 
My Bloginality is INTP

i have to admit the personality type does seem to fit. though it didn't mention that i would not MIND popularity! i just don't seek it per se. not counting my growing list of links...lol

ok. it's true. i want to be liked, read, understood, respected, even loved. i took care of the being "myself" a while back, so long ago i scarcely remember a time i wasn't myself. and understood and have continued to understand that being myself precludes - not necessarily popularity - but certainly universal approval. and have been okay with that.

the trick is to be self-referred. i know my worth, or at least i strive to know it. from inside myself, not from outside myself. strokes still feel good, but cannot be what i base my image of myself upon. well shit if i did for one thing i would have committed hari kari some time ago. but also because in terms of mental health self-referral is just better, that's all. we've probably all heard that to love another you must love yourself. i don't even believe that; however i do believe that to fulfill a love for another you must love yourself, and that will happen when you do recognize that you do have worth. you are unique. your point of view may be different but that does not mean it is wrong...etcetera.

i'm bandying around "i" and "you" - for me, it is me. for you is you. comment...i'm philosophizing off the top of my silly head and must have input from outside myself or will never know if my points are valid...


lololol rolling on the keys laughing digitally.
- posted by barbara @ 6/08/2002 02:54:00 AM  0 comments

 
Bekah Zask Memorial Pages
I've got the site but my ability to make a page worthy of my girl has stopped me from going too far as of yet.

it'll happen. in the meantime that same ol' dropdown list will send you all over the web in search of words of bekah-la...
- posted by barbara @ 6/07/2002 08:42:00 PM  0 comments

 
Coupon
PSYCHIC FAIR!
good gawd i don't believe it. i clicked on this link on the day before the psychic fair, not the day after...i got my check today so i can spend a little bit of money there...

i am going to the psychic fair! see ya there! i'm the one with the tattoo of a turtle and the name "Bekah" on my right wrist....


- posted by barbara @ 6/07/2002 08:02:00 PM  0 comments

 
the Cutie Factory :: cute pixel adoptions


i like this place a bunch
- posted by barbara @ 6/06/2002 09:05:00 PM  0 comments

 
note to myself: get bekah's pager fixed up and give it to andy...
i'm not in a good way. her birthday's coming up her death day too. i cry, lay down, go to sleep, come online, do nothing, cry, think, don't write. god forbid i should write.
so i don't, and i feel like i'm slipping alone, alone, alone. rory is helpless and i just don't want to take him down with me.

really i don't even want to be down - what buoys me? if it isn't rory, his sister's memory, his brothers his nephews? this was my avenue that was all mine and forever. and it is not forsaking me, no it's the other way around.

i don't much care for me. rory and i took a walk and did the states all the way and by the time we were home we'd done all 50. he had to remind me of new mexico. new mexico. santa fe. taos.

the helicopter was circling and i thought of a first line to a poem, maybe, and i asked rory if it sounded like the beginning of a poem, and he said, "maybe."

There's always something bad happening in my neighborhood
- posted by barbara @ 6/06/2002 08:33:00 PM  0 comments

 
i had a server for my graphics called aboutme.com...it's gone. i'll be getting a new server by and by, but until then bear with my lack of graphics.
- posted by barbara @ 6/04/2002 04:11:00 PM  0 comments

 
i'm watching Court TV. a defense attorney says, "without jurors, there can be no justice."
of course we all know that even with jurors there sometimes is no justice. think simi valley, think OJ.
what do i think? Bekah, of course.
no jurors ever got to consider her case. no justice was done in that court. what might have been. so many of those...but today is not a day in which i need to torment myself. today is a day in which i have work to do. and so will do.
- posted by barbara @ 6/03/2002 02:07:00 PM  0 comments

 
ds :: the dialogue project

an interesting page...i think i may write a dialogue just to see if i can.


- posted by barbara @ 6/01/2002 08:17:00 PM  0 comments

 
Stories from the ICC: Journey Out of the Wilderness
This article is written by Calvin Kwan, who is emerging as a leader in the recovery movement for ex-members of the International Churches of Christ. He makes the points that the issues facing ex-members of this cult are similar to those facing battered women. Now I can really relate. I was in an abusive relationship for approximately one year, and during that time I watched myself change into something I am not.

- posted by barbara @ 6/01/2002 04:48:00 AM  0 comments