why i love that girl...love that girl

ExIcoc.Org - The online community for former members of the International Churches of Christ

I said i would report on the responses to my post about my friends who are stuck in this cult. This next post was written after i had been assured that my fears were very well-founded.

Thank you for your response. Sometimes I think I'm just being hysterical, or transferring because of my own grief. but when I ask the people who should know, my worst feelings about what is going on with my friend's daughter are validated.
I have always more or less known that my friend changed in a basic and not healthy way when she joined the cult, but I just thought "jesus freak" and left her to it. i bemoaned the narrowing of her mind without appreciating that it was actually being recreated outside of her own free will. it has been an education learning that what Newsweek termed a "benevolent" cult is anything but benevolent.

I was especially enlightened to learn that kip mcKean and the other leaders from Boston in the 1980's undoubtedly, unequivocally KNEW beyond a doubt that their recruitment and discipling systems are psychologically harmful to PEOPLE and they did not care, apparently still do not care.

What a scam: a pyramid scheme, and overhead is minimal, since what you're selling is eternal salvation. No factory, no inventory. To make it even more perfect, instead of having to hire workers and pay them, THEY PAY YOU! Could anything be sweeter? Yes! Call it a church. No taxes. No governmental interference. Power, money, travel, and the hapless masses are so hooked they might as well call us "GOD," because as far as they know we hold the key to their eternal life.

The people who have perpetuated this massive travesty are in my opinion persons of NO faith, NO respect, no morals or ethics. That they bandy words around like "sin" and "repent" and "pray" is the most contemptible hypocrisy. I know that most of the "church" leaders were drawn in the same way my friend was and do not doubt that many continue the abusive and intrusive practices in good faith. But where does one draw the line? There must be members who know what is going on and have known for years, and have stayed and played along for their own selfish reasons. When does a member go from "victim" to "perp"? Perhaps only each one knows for him or herself.

To see the damage that has been and is being done to two people who deny it and embrace it as being "good for them" is actually excruciating. When I spoke to my friend about a week ago I started crying, knowing by then that to bluntly state, "You are not in control of your own mind," would be less than useless and still wanting, a lot, to just say it! So I hinted at it by saying that I would still be there for her no matter what.

She surprised me when she insisted that Kip's being "taken out of leadership" only "convicted" her further that she is in the right church. Then almost immediately it was clear that she has not been told the truth. And these different stories are very interesting. It seems that I, a person who has never attended a single service or bible study of this "church," may have the most accurate information regarding why he has been "taken out of leadership." She did not know that any of Kip's children had left the movement. Her daughter knew that Kip's daughter had. The former member with whom I spoke on the phone last week told me that his youngest son and his daughter have left the movement, incidentally many months before Kip finally stepped down. This person also told me that he was forced to leave and would not be back, which my friend scoffed at. Then I surprised her by asking who her discipler was, and how long she's been with this woman.

My friend is not herself. From my perspective the damage and the manipulation and the skewed approach - the absolute irony of an institution that promises salvation in the name of Jesus Christ putting the screws to trusting, faithful people ruthlessly - are so clear. She and her daughter both insist it is not the way it is.

Another thing I wanted to make clear to my friend is that most of the ex-member's stories reveal that they most emphatically did not "leave god" when they left the church [i personally am not drawn to any kind of organized religion, actually i am repelled by it, so the sincerity of many of the believers in spite of this "church" verifying everything i have ever thought objectionable and then some impresses me a lot]. I have been truly struck by how many ex-members are still faithful to their fundamentalism and desire to be guided by the one book. I wanted her to know that, and that she has been lied to is so obvious. She actually got sarcastic and said something like, "And how are their lives?" insinuating that she is convinced that the lives of ex-members are always worse and never better than when they were in the movement. I mean from her tone of voice she absolutely believes that people who have left are NOT happy campers. In that context as well she made it clear the one thing neither of them will admit out loud to me: they are in the "OTC."

I apologize for rambling on. There is even more, but what I am still trying to grasp is, what can be done to help them? Among other things I believe that my daughter's tragedy may end up paving their way out of the cult. As of today I am the only one of the three of us who wants to see that happen! In the meantime her daughter is miserable as her life is...not much of a life.

If she hadn't gone to my daughter's grave and left that letter, I never would have learned what I now know about this cult. Since I do know, and can see by my friends' behavior and lifestyles that what i have learned is true, I feel a strong impetus to help them. It was much easier for ME before I got educated about the ICOC; ignorance IS bliss. But within that bliss a 23-year-old woman is desperately unhappy during a time of life when she should just be going to school and having fun. Though she wants to attribute her pain to unresolved grief over my daughter's death, I personally believe it has been being "put to her" for at least ten years.

Maybe I just want to be instrumental for my friends because there is nothing left for me to do for my own daughter. I have to question all these things, because 1. my friend and her daughter both insist they are perfectly happy in their wonderful church, and 2. I am still dealing with my own grief after having sustained the greatest possible loss.

I deeply appreciate responses and advice from ex-members, who can verify or clarify my perceptions and help me get perspective. I don't know what i can do, but I do know that what I do NOT want to do is screw up when it comes to dealing with them and this issue that they have not acknowledged [to me at least] is an issue.

Sorry again, for running on so long. And so long-windedly. :)
barbara
- posted by barbara @ 6/26/2002 10:33:00 PM