2HaTs - An online log of an Israeli girl living in Canada
- posted by barbara @ 5/31/2002 05:24:00 PM

 


- posted by barbara @ 5/31/2002 09:19:00 AM  0 comments

 
George W Bush -- not a crackhead!
told ya so, told ya so! from one blog to another. i found this surfing
today. and one other reader of my blog has voted, that he's an idiot who
should not be president.

there are times when i am not so happy to be right. many times, actually.
though i'd be lying if i said there was no satisfaction in it. i would
still be happier if bush wasn't president, if we were not blanketing
the globe in war, if bekah was alive or failing that, if her killer
was going to be in prison for a reasonable length of time.....
etcetera. check out the site, it's a keeper.
- posted by barbara @ 5/31/2002 09:13:00 AM  0 comments

 
i have a feeling that some primal creature is climbing
up my windpipe wanting to escape. i feel useless helpless
powerless and comfortless.
and poor. bekah i'm sorry, sorry! i want you to be known
and remembered.

oh, just fuck them all, right? yeah, i know i can't. i don't
have the money. don't let me forget to make the calls i have
to make today. amen

- posted by barbara @ 5/31/2002 08:51:00 AM

 
no, i didn't think so. he wants to take out all of the
text and i want the text. so we will have to compromise.
he's got the bucks, that means the power, right?

i am the one who visits her grave. he has been there
twice since she died; i have been there at least twice
a week. he planted her, but i grew her!

i fucking HATE it when money tells - and money
fucking ALWAYS tells.

i am stressing. mother fucker, motherfucker. despair
sits next to me. sorrow is all i have to wear. there's a
buddha in the box too, explaining to me all about my d
aughter's death in the grand scheme of things. he's a
writer from thoughtcafe and i'm sure he means well.

there's not another person on this planet who can
simply PROVIDE me with answers that will satisfy.
i am the one who can do that, with the help of my
daughter's love and my own. it's desperate, it's
wailing, but it's love nonetheless.

- posted by barbara @ 5/30/2002 11:04:00 PM  0 comments

 
i feel ridiculously fragile. my drivers license
number has been sent to the state so i can get
into the prison for the killer's deposition. what
if they say no, or dig up all the shit there is to
dig up on me? i am checking my email and there is
something from bekah's father and it feels like
it has a machine gun attached...did i mention that
they buried someone in my plot, next to bekah?

sometimes . . . sometimes it feels less than worth
it. but until i go look at these emails [there's also
one from my friend about my book], i don't really know
that. i could be back here in 5 minutes having
read everything i dreamed of. but i don't think i will be.

- posted by barbara @ 5/30/2002 10:57:00 PM  0 comments

 

Poems
Diary Entries
Bumper Stickers and Sundry Law
Links and Webrings
My Blog

my first dropdown list - do you think i'm proud of it! lol
will put the link to the person who actually provided it asap...
- posted by barbara @ 5/30/2002 05:47:00 AM  0 comments

 
Ayman Akshar
a very touching blog started by a remarkable man and carried on by his widow
- posted by barbara @ 5/29/2002 03:51:00 PM  0 comments

 

this was bekah's favorite picture of herself. she'd always say, "notice how it shows the color of my eyes." she was so cute that way.
- posted by barbara @ 5/29/2002 08:59:00 AM  0 comments

 

she wanted to sleep as long as she wanted to sleep...ugh. i got to get my ass in gear and git!!!!!!!!
to beverly hills and back, and i don't wanna. it sucks. because it is really just fucking laziness. i have no excuse. i have not been edifying my mind. not very dedicatedly any way.
any way. tell bekah i love her; tell bekah i need her...i have faith because without it i would never see her again...but sometimes it feels very shaky. like hang on to those dreams mom! cause you know, well. i just know what i know and believe what i believe. they are not the same thing. the certitude of absolute unswerving faith - that was my belief that i would die before any of my children. and i did not even know it! i mean it was not until bekah died that i realized what i took to be lesson one. that was that although i knew logically that it was a possibility, in my heart of hearts, all the way down to my soul, what i knew better than any other thing was that it would never happen.
it happened. oh. oh. it happened....
- posted by barbara @ 5/28/2002 01:59:00 PM  0 comments

 
MON.OT.O.NY; Lack of variation; Tedious sameness or repititiousness; Want of variety.
Here's a blog i snobbed onto, or wonderlusted onto, and think, yeah, i'll want to wander back and read more. Though she's pushing away she's there, so really she wants me to stay.
- posted by barbara @ 5/27/2002 09:51:00 PM  0 comments

 


Happy Memorial Day. I cannot recall if this day is set aside to remember all our dead, or just our war dead...? Isn't that terrible. I lost my cellphone. That's pretty bad too...

Rory and I went to the cemetery. We hoped to meet up with Bekah's best friend but didn't. We walked around, checked out Jimmy's grave [still no headstone], looked for Andy's friend's grave [I'm starting to think that possibly his family put him in a grave of his own so his grandma could be buried with his grandfather], and just strolled.

Cried on the way home.
- posted by barbara @ 5/27/2002 05:06:00 PM  0 comments

 
How to Fight the Religious Right: A guide to defending yourself against Fundamentalist Christians "Fundamentalists are nothing new however. They can be abrasive, angry, judgmental and downright mean, but they are not true representatives of any of the faiths for which they claim to speak. I say that because every major religion has had its share. Fundamentalist Muslims have made many non-Muslims fear that religion, and yet the Muslim faith, at its core, remains a peace-loving faith. Fundamentalist Jews have made many non-Jews fear that religion, and yet the Jewish faith, at its core, remains a peace-loving faith. And Fundamentalist Christians have made many non-Christians fear that religion, and yet the Christian faith, at its core, remains a peace-loving faith. It's only when Fundamentalists are allowed to gain political power that their existence is a threat to mankind."


- posted by barbara @ 5/25/2002 11:24:00 PM  0 comments

 

she had a gold aura, did my
- posted by barbara @ 5/25/2002 05:33:00 PM  0 comments

 

an early effort to juxtapose the beauty of my with the horror and injustice of her early murder.
- posted by barbara @ 5/25/2002 06:33:00 AM  0 comments

 
Stories from the ICC: Journey Out of the Wilderness
Besides, most ex-members are not "bitter" because they were hurt by any individual nor did they leave because of any one individual. They were hurt by an abusive system. A system that took away their self esteem, identity and individuality. A system that took advantage of their yearning desire to know God. A system that abused their innocence and took away a large part of their life. It is a system that violated their trust. This is spiritual, emotional and psychological rape! It is a rape of their soul. It is absolutely understandable how many ex-members might feel the way they do about their ICC experience.

i agree and yet...the members of the ICOC cult were and continue to be "hurt by any individual...." After reading The Discipling Dilemma, I am convinced that the upper echelon members of the Kip McKean and Cohorts Cult are very culpable.

This book reveals that all the way back in the 1980's the church leaders hired the author to attempt to determine the psychological effects of the "discipling" as practiced in the ICOC. When the results were in, they were rejected by Kip McKean who tried several arguments in order to make the truth that his movement damages people appear to be a testing anomaly. The author duly attempted to make the data he had gathered fit McKean's tight little didactic holes, and was unable.

So this book, which came about at the request of the church, is very helpful in understanding the breadth and width of one of the most specious, threatening aspects of this cult.

- posted by barbara @ 5/25/2002 06:10:00 AM  0 comments

 
The Dead Letter Office

from a link on the ExICOC board i came to this site for the first time...and i left a letter, too. I didn't follow the rules though, but I sent a letter that i wrote to an ex-boyfriend that was SO pissed i could never let anyone, let alone him, read it.

So now i have published it anonymously - even five years later it feels good to let those words go.
- posted by barbara @ 5/25/2002 03:53:00 AM  0 comments

 
Yahoo! Groups : bekah

the picture of a headstone i made in paint shop pro is on the home page of my group.
her father doesn't like it. he says it "belongs in court"

i feel very, very down right now. and not strong enough to fight. especially since he's the one who will pay.

"all i did was carry her in and wail her out" ...
- posted by barbara @ 5/24/2002 05:56:00 AM  0 comments

 
The Discipling Dilemma, Chapter 1

This book is published on the internet in its entirety and i just finished reading it. What a revelation it was to learn that way back in the 1980's while still in Boston, Kip McKean and cohorts had engaged the author of this book to evaluate their congregation using a psychological "typing" test. But when the results were in Kip etc. rejected them, then lied to the author and said the abuses associated with their practice of "discipling" would be phased out.

Of course it never happened. Since last November Kip McKean is not actively running the ICOC according to their official website. Maybe changes are in the air.

In the meantime I am still trying to figure whether there is any way at all to get my friends to realize that they have indeed been subjected to a psychologically damaging form of mind control - that has interfered with the healthy development of their VERY OWN personalities!

amen
- posted by barbara @ 5/24/2002 03:21:00 AM  0 comments

 


Bekah showing off her tongue ring. She used to like to roll her tongue back and forth with the round part of the tongue ring peeking out from her teeth. I would say "ouch" and she would laugh.

oh. gawd. i miss that girl...
- posted by barbara @ 5/23/2002 11:24:00 PM  0 comments

 
kjstevens, "The Throw Away"

A very readable short story on Coyote's page...
- posted by barbara @ 5/23/2002 10:36:00 PM  0 comments

 
Bring Forth Fruit: International Church of Christ

This is an exceptionally clear explication, with revealing quotes from Kip McKean and his cohorts, of how the ICOC distorts scriptures to the detriment of its members. This cult preaches that it is the one "true" church, whose members alone will go to heaven.
- posted by barbara @ 5/23/2002 01:16:00 PM  0 comments

 
Elocutionary dot blog
i really like the looks of this blog. among others :)
- posted by barbara @ 5/23/2002 10:31:00 AM  0 comments

 
Musings

Thank you, John! :)


- posted by barbara @ 5/23/2002 06:45:00 AM  0 comments

 




- posted by barbara @ 5/23/2002 05:19:00 AM  0 comments

 
Google Search: alt.religion.christian.boston-church

"The fact remains that religious dogma is a matter of faith, the link to that idealism, that is not supported by evidence that is as consistent in interpretation as many people from many backgrounds seeing the color blue, calculating 2 and 2 or observing an eclipse. I have no problems with a loving heart who believes out of faith. I have problems with a prideful heart that asserts their worldview over others while refusing to think critically of their world view, thus pushing those who don't think like them into the confinement of a dirty label - condemned."
-Tim L. Smith, former member of the LA Church of Christ, on this newsgroup

been reading on this group all night almost. the deeper i go into this cult the more i want to do SOMETHING to get my friend out of it. Especially her daughter, who has been in it since the age of about 11 or 12 ... i believe that her indoctrination by this specious sect has really caused her some grave emotional problems. For instance if she believes Bekah is in hell [she denies this belief but i know that members often do deny the truth to heathens like myself. She has also denied that she is "religious."], i am sure this is exacerbating her normal grief process...

anyway i cannot get too detailed here. i do not want to lose trust. i love her and her mother and just kinda wish i could do something to help them see the light - the light of self-determination, and thinking for themselves, and governing their own time, and so on.

- posted by barbara @ 5/23/2002 05:01:00 AM  0 comments

 
O N L Y H O U S E M U S I C . c o m

the music bekah loved, the way she wanted to party...the last birthday present i got for her was a drum machine so her dj friend jonathon could start teaching her how to "make beats." i bought it off ebay and fortunately did tell her it was on its way, because by the time it arrived she was dead.

the first time i fell asleep after her death, sometime in the evening of July 20, 2001 i suppose, i was awakened by a riff from a phantom drum machine.

i added it to her catalogue - the catalogue of bekah's post-mortem unexplained phenomena, and i took it as a sign. amen [bekah, i love you...mom xxxooo]
- posted by barbara @ 5/22/2002 08:37:00 PM  0 comments

 
bekah and aaron, a test
- posted by barbara @ 5/22/2002 02:09:00 PM  0 comments

 
A List Of Fallacious Arguments

i haven't read this yet, but i have a feeling much of it will be familiar.
- posted by barbara @ 5/21/2002 10:40:00 AM  0 comments

 
Walk Away

"...biblical Christianity is all a devious psychological rigmarole, ingeniously designed to make people compliant."

This man was born a Jew and went all the way to a conservative theological seminary before realizing the above.

I call myself a spiritual seeker, and as in many aspects of my life I am going about my seeking in what could be termed a back-assward sort of way. I would not have it otherwise. Dogma chills me to the bone. Fundamentalism of any stripe is scary shit.

I believe in the soul, and in life after death. That god was invented by people. That there is no why. That love is the answer. My faith is based in love and it is love that saves me from despair. amen
- posted by barbara @ 5/20/2002 11:29:00 AM  0 comments

 
globe of blogs : register : thanks

i signed up for the globe of blogs.

HELP if you can...if i am on blogspot how do i upload graphics to my "server"?
- posted by barbara @ 5/19/2002 07:50:00 PM  0 comments

 
Lifton's 8 Conditions - REVIVE
another link to information regarding the cult to which one of my best friends is a member, the ICOC, specific to my friend, the LA Church of Christ.

- posted by barbara @ 5/19/2002 01:00:00 PM  0 comments

 
www.thoughtcafe.com/viewarticle.asp?articleid=7142
it was meant to be mayhem
the link may not work.
i got drunk, well, tipsy? last night. first time in ever so long. i cried over my son. over my daughter, bekah, and how much i miss her. how i try to keep her alive.

someday soon i may be the only one. i don't know. i do know and learn most profoundly over and over, the truth - my truth, and bekah's, and, i believe, an important truth for anyone - love doesn't die.

which is probably why i still get up and try to live. it is love.

ok, so i am an old hippie. i was a yuppie for five minutes in 1985 or thereabouts and then i reverted to an old hippie. i worked on sunset boulevard for five years but was never even tempted to get a tit job or inject botox into my face. just an old hippie

love does not die. try to recall this while mourning.

i don't know if i can make the link work right, so here is the poem:

the link below takes you to thoughtcafe but not to this poem, which is what i wanted to share.

mayhem

it was mayhem to go
open twenty-four hours
bargain basement mayhem
junk food mayhem
cheap as cheese

it was an ancient wreck
the collision of universes
the unification of cosmoses
mayhem was close to moses
a stuttering bush

in flames
the infant mayhem
was he really wanted
and if not,
why so widely courted?

it was meant to be mayhem
why ask why
slash away,
slash and burn
it was always mayhem

puzzle pieces, body parts
arrange, unarrange, rearrange
it may be strange mayhem
just try to deny
it was always a rendering

it was flux redux
and redux again
it was perpetual mayhem
a constancy of change
exchanged at the drive-thru

pockets full of mayhem
fire is a riot
clouds drag and disperse
dispensing mayhem and water
let's sizzle like hail on the roof

hail mayhem
do you need more proof
history is shredded,
then fed to our youth
mayhem is, mayhem is the truth.

all rights reserved, barbara bales.
- posted by barbara @ 5/19/2002 11:24:00 AM  0 comments

 
Driver in deadly crash pleads guilty

this driver was called "wild bill"

the driver who murdered bekah was called "rambo"

this driver is going away for 39 years

the driver who murdered bekah is going away for 4

he'll be out in 34 years

she'll be out in 2

he killed 3 people

she killed 1 beautiful Bekah

what is bekah's life worth?

he was arrested at the scene of the crime

she sped away from the scene of the crime and was arrested hours later asleep in her own bed

he pled guilty and never wanted to do otherwise

she pled "no contest" as her attorney read a bunch of bullshit into the record, including that she was not accepting blame or fault! [then why was she volunteering for a four year prison sentence? If I was accused of a murder I didn't commit, I would be EAGER to be tried by a jury of my peers. Just my opinion...]

he looked at the families of his victims and apologized over and over

she shook her head "no" and cried for her own sorry self as eight surviving victims delivered victim impact statements to the back of her pathetic head, and never said a word of her own

his lawyer said all he has ever wanted to do is plead guilty for what he did

her lawyer went into the hall of the courtroom and trashed my daughter for the media, not once but twice. Morals? Ethics? JUSTICE? or, money?

I will never know. Bekah's case was adjudicated behind closed doors out of earshot of even a court reporter. Why did the DA capitulate and even lie to Bekah's family? I think I could get a conviction and I am not even a lawyer...he did not even object or ask the judge to make her plead guilty. He did not even hold out for a reasonable sentence. And he lied to us. Made us parties to this travesty.


i'm glad to see that justice happens. but motherfucker am i bitter that bekah cannot have it! when did she become chopped liver?! NO, no, that is not right, she was not and is not chopped liver! She was every bit as human and deserving of her life as the victims in this terrible case.
it is not right. not right

this is the bitter pill i keep choking on. help me powers that be beyond this fucked up world amen.
- posted by barbara @ 5/15/2002 09:39:00 PM  0 comments

 
Current results for bush

as you can see as of today 15 of 21 respondents believe that george w bush is an idiot who should not be president.

i knew the news was lying. keep voting, please. i want to make this scientifically meaningful
- posted by barbara @ 5/15/2002 09:33:00 AM  0 comments

 
2001 Crime Statistics Summary Rape

LAPD page again...looking at these stats i think i may have a clue about bernard parks' removal as police chief. check it out, from 1999 to 2001 the homicide rate went up almost 35%

- posted by barbara @ 5/14/2002 10:45:00 PM  0 comments

 
Poetry Links

did i just do this? sleeping in front of the computer again...i've been like for HOURS surfing, and i wanted to put a link to shit on my blog but blogthis! did not work. so i got a list and have been laboriously putting links up.

i know there is an easier way, but i don't know what it is.

anyhow - i had some thoughts to share regarding shit and why it seemed so appropriate. i spent a lot of time surfing and not a lot of time reading or appreciating. what i really wanted was to catch a link to my blog [never happened yet]. and there was a broken link about every other page. and there is more than one blogger out there who has decided he or she has had enough of undressing in public for the time being, but they don't transfer their links to their retirement announcement. etcetera.

talk about a vast wasteland. thank GAWD i've finally arrived! lol
- posted by barbara @ 5/14/2002 07:42:00 AM  0 comments

 
Poetry Links

The Poetry Links page on my website.
- posted by barbara @ 5/14/2002 07:20:00 AM  0 comments

 
The Online Community for former members of the International Churches of Christ

here and at Reveal.org, i have been lately getting an education about the "church" which in reality is a cult...any members happening upon my page and wanting to comment, i would really appreciate finding out that dialogue is possible.

i've a friend who has been taken over by this church for several years. she'll recover, i think...someday. i hope! also that her children recover fully



- posted by barbara @ 5/13/2002 11:19:00 AM  0 comments

 
aroundthebend.page


not looking too good, no link to my homepage, and i am passing out at my desk after getting up at 5 or so this morning to take a half day fishing boat out with john, denise, rory, and micah.

john caught 2 sand dabs, denise 2 sculpin. rory caught one of those, and i caught other people's poles over and over. as far as fish goes, nope, not a bite.
- posted by barbara @ 5/12/2002 04:17:00 PM  0 comments

 
the geography of my grief.
Bekah's death has been far and away the most excruciating experience of my life. I am convinced that those who are never forced to experience this are truly incapable of really appreciating just how terrible it is. When one loses a healthy child to murder, the grief is even larger, at least early on.
i compare my place in life at this time to be a dark desert, a desert of despair. i am traveling through it, and i must, or subsist in it for all of the rest of my life. there is no choice and no shortcut. sometimes i stall and lay down for weeks at a time, weeping, or just numb just tired of the pain. another bereaved mother stops by and picks me up and helps me past that spot...sometimes i am strong enough to carry another mother who is otherwise too devastated. sometimes a hand is offered and i refuse i do not want to go on, and sometimes i tiptoe past the other prostrate mothers because it is all i can do to put one foot in front of the other.

i have yet to survey the exit point. but i do have hope that i will attain it, and reach a point in my life where happiness feels possible and i can experience joy even if i'm not asleep. writing is probably the single most important activity for my grief "work," though the
support and compassion of other bereft parents and grief counseling are just as vital at least as far as i know. first at writtenbyme and now at thoughtcafe, being a part of a community of writers has also been enormously helpful. and not just with regard to my grief, but with regard to my favorite thing to do, writing. sometimes i actually pay more attention to the writing than the reason for it plus i
am getting feedback on some of my old writing, which i never had enough self confidence to share.

from an email written earlier today
- posted by barbara @ 5/11/2002 03:35:00 PM  0 comments

 
presidentmoron.com
surfing once again and ran into this page. it proves i am not alone in my intelligence and concern. and skepticism regarding the artificial statistics being fed to the populace by this moron's administration.

these selections make the case quite well that the present President of the United States of America has fallen behind on the evolutionary ladder

i showed the pictures to rory, my son who will be 10 in 6 days...he said, "which one is the president?" so spontaneously, so guilelessly, so quickly, i just love him for that.

please take the survey! i need enough votes to make the results meaningful. how many votes does that mean? i am not a pollster by trade but i'll go for it.

marching to end violence in the 77th street area today. may one would-be murderer spare one will-otherwise-be victim as a result. amen
- posted by barbara @ 5/11/2002 07:27:00 AM  0 comments

 
Expanding Definitions

bob finished his book today. read all about it
- posted by barbara @ 5/10/2002 06:57:00 PM  0 comments

 
Nonags
one of the best places i know of for free soft ware
- posted by barbara @ 5/10/2002 01:29:00 PM  0 comments

 
i surf and surf and surf and surf. other people get numbers. maybe i'm too old. other people are all in college. i'm in mourning. maybe i'm too sad.
bits and pieces of wisdom come my way on a regular basis. i have a manuscript for a book titled An Amateur Mourning Map for Mothers of the Recently Murdered. just got it to where ok, i would like for it to be considered by a publisher or an agent.

if you are reading this and are a literary agent or a publisher, please do get in touch. i think the book is good. the writing as well as the perspective.

later
- posted by barbara @ 5/10/2002 10:04:00 AM  0 comments

 
i have a yahoo group for bekah's friends and families, to keep her memory alive. sent this message today after dicking around with a situation that just does not make sense. but whatever. subject line: yahooooooooooooo


someone got back to me today and instructed me to do everything i
already tried yesterday, then noted [as if i had not quite figured it
out for myself] that if my group was mistakenly categorized as
an "adult" group i would have to contact the groups support team to
make that right.

gave me a link to every goddam place on yahoo but the groups support
team.




sheesh

frustration gets worse than ugly...

ALSO
i'm selling raffle tickets for a group called Justice for Murdered
Children. but i am very shy about approaching people to ask for
money! so on tuesday i asked my team captain at pool wanna buy a
raffle ticket, and i sold tickets to my team.

well my captain is not as shy as i am and he convinced a tableful of
young people to divvy up. after i mentioned that the cause was
justice for murdered children, jim said, "her daughter was killed by
a drunk driver," and when i stated, "she was murdered by a depraved
drunk," he laughed.

he does not believe it. will anybody ever? is it really WRITTEN IN
STONE somewhere that a pissed off, thoroughly inebriated alcoholic
could not commit murder via automobile? is alcohol not OTHERWISE
associated with violent behavior? and where does my captain get off
dismissing my contention when it was not HIS daughter and he does not
know HALF of what i do regarding the night bekah died?

i was really tired that night, and rory was with me. it's just this
afternoon i started feeling irate about it...after chatting with
bekah's friend brandi last night in fact.

brandi lives with matt, and has for a long time, yet somehow she had
carried on for the past over 9 months under the impression that bekah
was killed ACCIDENTALLY.

i swear to god i am not crazy. okay, i am crazy. but in a situation
in which if i was not crazy you would have to assume i had lost my
mind.

which is all to make the point that i do know the difference between
an accident and a willful act. that from day ONE i have been
searching for a reason not just to forgive bekah's killer but to even
regard her as a human being. she just does not, has not, apparently
will not give me the means.

i didn't go looking for someone to point an accusing finger at so i
could make a false claim of murder. my daughter was murdered; that's
just what happened on 07-19-01. if it is this difficult to make
friends and loved ones know what i know, what about the rest of the
world? i try to keep my faith and my hope alive, but sometimes it is
very hard.

love, bekah's mom barbara
Yahoo! Groups : bekah

this is the front page of the group. does anyone see a reason for yahoo to designate this a group with "adult" content?

didn't think so....
- posted by barbara @ 5/09/2002 07:53:00 PM  0 comments

 
Poetry Life & Times May 2002 interview cont. : Poetry by Barbara Bales

the poems
- posted by barbara @ 5/09/2002 06:32:00 AM  0 comments

 


- posted by barbara @ 5/09/2002 06:10:00 AM  0 comments

 
QTRAXMAX. Premium File sharing software. Search for your favorite music or any media file type.

after installing my new hard drive [my first attempt at that particular task], i signed on many hours ago thinking about all the many many apps and files i can load these 20 gigabytes up with...at some point during my travels i remembered my mp3 searches and finds, a pastime including listening to the music that i have partaken of many, many times.

At this site, there is one man working alone distributing any number of file types to nerds like himself or gullible pollyannas like MEself. And not only is this software FREE, it has no spyware attached. I wasted some time downloading a different mp3-sharing app that insisted i agree to some ridiculously invasive practices to have their program for free.

i've been up for so long now i think i'm snatching sleep in blinks. now i'm editing this crap that came up because of talks with an almost 10-year-old and the murder of my only girl...and because i talk toooo much.

when you're stuck inside of hell, and restuck with the bill, find a million ways to tell,
diarrhea. diarrhea.

my apologies to whoever wrote the published lyrics to that song, destined since Parenthood to be a much loved national folk song.

as is plain i talk too much, i worry me to death, i talk too .... oh, crap, stop me before i do some real damage....:)

anyway, i'll let you know if it's good. hope so :)
- posted by barbara @ 5/09/2002 04:41:00 AM  0 comments

 
Mangajin Online Magazine e-Zine; Humorous Haiku

there was a haiku mag online that had solicited my cinquains, but i forgot the name and lost the mail...so trying to find it i stumbled onto this site. here are a few of the hilarious windows-themed haiku:

Computer Error Messages
First submitted to us by Mary Hesterman, these are alleged to have
been created by Sony for a new operating system. (Mentions of
"Windows," however, seem to contradict such origins. Sony has
not been available for comment.)

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

A file that big?
It might be very useful
But now it is gone

Having been erased
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped

Windows NT crashed
I am the Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams

i hope it's okay that i put them here! i mean no harm, none at all! if i am violating somebody's copyright, just tell me i will delete i promise. i just thought these deserved wide attention.

on a different, bitter, windows note, i am so pissed right now. i did it; i installed my first hard drive and it went without a hitch. this i should mention is a used computer i bought through the recycler about 2 months ago...anyway the guy had reformatted the drive and supplied the original CD's with the system, but not the paperwork - windows insists on getting some goddammed number from me and i do not have it. i've been up for ages and ages waiting for their piracy line to open up so i can find out how to get around it...and if they tell me i can't i will do something drastic. like cry.
- posted by barbara @ 5/07/2002 05:53:00 AM  0 comments

 
Name Blocks by Pixie
- posted by barbara @ 5/07/2002 04:55:00 AM  0 comments

 
Name Blocks by Pixie
- posted by barbara @ 5/07/2002 04:55:00 AM  0 comments

 
GIF image 61x13 pixels

my girl's name in lights, courtesy of
- posted by barbara @ 5/07/2002 04:52:00 AM  0 comments

 
i have to write something, sometime, somehow. what? i've been surfing like a fiend so long i have knots on my fingertips, and i haven't blogsnob-jumped to my blog yet.

that was my goal, yes.

bekah was awarded her degree posthumously from Brooks College in April. Only i didn't know it...three days or so ago i started calling her friends to see if there was anything planned only to discover that the phone call had been made to my ex-husband, his stepdaughter took the message, and nobody bothered to let me know.

i would have been there accepting my girl's degree. i feel cheated. really pissed at her father, and that's not going to do any of us any good at all. he fights his demons his way, i fight mine my way. but what sucks is having somebody else make a decision for you when you are not even advised it is happening. i let him know that i would have liked to have been told, and he said, "i'm sorry."

like i said, he has his way i have mine. never the twain shall meet and all that crap. wonder why did we divorce? oh. yeah, i decided that the unknown of a future without him was preferable to what i could reasonably predict if we remained together...and he is not a bad man. he's just an entirely different animal from myself, so different that we could not be properly supportive of each other. imagine he was still parked on mars and i on venus for instance. i mean how can a marriage survive when the participants reside on two different planets and neither one is earth?

but still. i am pissed. and i will get over it. bekah's 22nd birthday is july 6 and her memorial will be planned by me, paid for by him, and i'll catch up someday. maybe

welcome back blog. crippled machine or not.
- posted by barbara @ 5/06/2002 02:35:00 AM  0 comments

 
JPEG image 77x24 pixels
give peace a chance. give peace a chance.
- posted by barbara @ 5/06/2002 01:18:00 AM  0 comments

 
The Los Angeles Police Department

bookmark this site...these are the LAPD's press releases. i browse them regularly since finding one about my daughter's murder there last year. today while browsing i see that a los angeles child was killed this week while playing with guns.

how can this ever, ever happen?
- posted by barbara @ 5/05/2002 02:55:00 PM  0 comments

 
Poetry News May 2002

click here to read my interview and the poems published in this online poetry magazine :)

p.s. my hard drive took a crap. not the old one, the new one. the old one (this one) is slow and anxious, and i have not been online much and probably will not be until my new computer is restored. please don't forget me if you ever met me yet...:)
- posted by barbara @ 5/04/2002 10:09:00 PM  0 comments