Thursday, March 20, 2003
i've taken to posting on a delphi forum for ex-members of the cult to which my dear friend and her daughter belong...yesterday a young ex-member was having a hard time, wondering if there even is a god. i wrote to her you are not alone i hope it comforts you to know that. she then asked me was i ever a believer, or a member of the cult? and i responded.
i was never a member of icoc.i'm here because of very close friends who are infected. but when i was 11 i wanted to be a nun! :) so i guess you could say i was a believer at one time. actually i believed in god probably until i was about 18, and believed that the bible was a sacred text [whereas today i maintain that the bible is a book] for about as long.
i was not raised in a church but i was raised on the golden rule and believe from all i have learned that when it comes to treating people i am more christian than the president, let alone the leaders of the icoc.
just yesterday at grief counseling [my daughter was murdered on 07-19-01], my counselor tried to tell me i must believe in god because i was saying how i do believe in the soul, and the afterlife. but that does not presuppose a belief in "god." certainly not the monotheistic omnipotent omnipresent etc god of religion. and to be honest, i have a much bigger argument with religion than with the concept of god.
the bottom line is we must CHOOSE what we believe. dogma don't do it for me. i quit believing in a cognizant god [in other words a god who gives a flying f**k about me personally] long before bekah died. but her death sent me seeking and nothing i found sent me back to a belief in a cognizant god. what i keep returning to is LOVE.
after her death, bekah did many things to rebuild the faith that was destroyed the second i learned she was dead. i mean AMAZING things that dead people cannot do. my theory is she knew me and that i would not be turning to religion to recover from her death, and so she went the extra mile to make me know she was near and that she was well, in the great beyond, on the other side, what-have-you. heaven. i thank bekah for those phenomena every day. as for god, i think the closest thing to me could be called "great nature," and i still say "amen" when i pray.
bekah's mom barbara
Who am i, what am i
A picture's worth
I stand on the sand, and I'm rocking grief to sleep in my arms.
Comments by: YACCS