dragonflies, pennies, songs on the radio, turtles in the sky
some background. four years ago today, my daughter bekah
was murdered 13 days after her 21st birthday.
One and 1/2 years ago, my friend susan's
husband dropped dead at the age of 49.

the first song we played at bekah's funeral was my girl.
that song has always been about bek for me,
because i have three sons and she's my only girl.

for tim, susan played unchained melody.
they had a true and a happy marriage.

susan drove from northern california to be
with me immediately after bekah died. i still
remember her asking, "do you want me to come down?"
i said yes. she came. when tim died, i didn't ask,
i just went. at a flower store in fort jones,
i bought a stepping stone for susan to mark tim's
grave until she got him a headstone.

i have to admit i didn't remember the dragonfly.
but from the first after tim died, susan was open to his
presence. he left her pennies, everywhere...
i remember when i took a shower up there
i left all the pennies i had in the bathroom,
not for susan, but for tim, to give to susan.

so a month or so ago, susan and i were
chatting on the phone and she told me about
not just the pennies, but the dragonflies. they
pop up in unlikely places, and it turns out there
is a dragonfly on the stepping stone i got for
her when tim died. susan had never heard of the movie.
while we were chatting, i clicked on to the IMDB and
read to her, "Tagline: When someone you love dies...
are they gone forever?"

she's since watched the movie...anyhow. since tim died,
especially right after he died, the two songs have played
back to back on a couple of occasions and i always
get the chills [that means bekah's hugging me].
so yesterday i had to work out in Van Nuys.
I walk around the parking lot when i smoke.

the first cigarette and a golden dragonfly flew right by me.
i called susan and reached her cellphone...later,
first one and then a second penny appeared on the ground as if
out of nowhere. now i know that they may have already been
there, but that's not how i experienced it.

aargh. i just lost half this story to the fucking cyberspace
bogeyman. don't you just hate that?!

so i'll cut to the chase and maybe tell the rest
later. or not. at bekah's funeral the rabbi read a poem
about how the people we love inform our lives and our
selves, and, their presence is more vital to me than
their absence.

for four years i've used those words as a barometer
of my recovery...if i could say those words and mean it,
i would have come far. i mean it.

can you see the turtle bekah gave me today? let me know...
- posted by barbara @ 7/19/2005 06:55:00 AM