6-16-06 7:02 am
Rory’s 8th grade Disney trip, me your mother the poet-Woman,
She is like… like…
Like I went schizo or something and She is
Somebody else clearly, and me, Barbara, your
Mom, the poet that was – is no more?
Have I fried cells of my brain, have I a
Foot well into the grave?
Often I feel intelligent yet. Short on energy and that
Story is old already.
And I wanted poetry. And am acutely aware of the
Month to follow, and the anniversaries therein. Your 26th
Birthday. Your fifth deathday. Is it really possible
Bekah; or might it be that, upon bereavement a
Mother’s time kinda quits being? Like for instance =-
I could have and should have spent preceding hours
Ensuring clean clothes for today’s despicable
Commute. And. I did NOT. I clicked and clicked and
Clicked and that’s truthfully all I did and that was for
Hours. And yet Bekah! you can’t have been DEAD for
Nearly FIVE years? My knowing that it is fact does not serve
The bereaved mother whose every cell says no no no….

Am I crazy/wrong
lazy/strong
amazing/gone
from every kind of daily labor that
made a home livable?

Can I write lists now even though I am nearly
51 years old, and a grandmother, and apparently have made
a truly clean break from the woman/me who pursued
romantic relationships, cooked dinner, vacuumed, was punctual
as well as dependable and indispensable?
For Bekah I believe that because I do embody
Those last two (AW. What are they? Adverbs is it? Fuck! So you
Get the sense of my questions do you girl, do you have a
Clue about how long my future in this lifetime is?) mmmm
Attributes.
And don’t wanna dress commute be in Van Nuys @ 7:30 am no
Fuckin’ way, right?

So anyhow. To ramble is allowed as long as at some point, I
Clean the house! Right. For three years my career was grief –
And
I wrote the book. Then I went to work, almost two years
Ago.
I thought that was a measurable accomplishment
Meaningful to the UTMOST girl, with respect to my perception
Of what I call, “Recovery.” And so it is – I support
Rory and myself though it remains difficult always. But after two
Years dontcha think it’s time for me to

Clean house
Do Dishes
Cook ?


Yeah, me too honey. And by September there will be a true need for consistent virtuosity on the parts of both your brother and myself.

So I write you a prayer today
Deep as my mind may reach
I don’t feel the will I need…
I don’t have the energy…
It seems to me.
So I write you a prayer today –
Angel Daughter Turtle Bekah,
Invest once again in the woman who made ya,
Would you? will you amen amen
I'm going to be sure July does not pass
With you in obscurity.
Yes darling, I know it’s for me, but still I hope,
It works for you too, and I imagine the circle of you and
Me, the bubbling running smiling package of love life energy,
And I help you as you help me. Let it be please amen

Love for all and all eternity Bekah,
Mom
- posted by barbara @ 6/16/2006 08:39:00 AM