DatingGod: I :( Xmas
katherine sure loosed a floodgate with her explication of why she hates "xmas." she starts her post off by apologizing in advance: i'll just preface my remarks with two well known words: bah humbug.

bah fucking humbug.

once upon a time dec 25 was my favorite day. actually for years on end, it was my favorite day. "the best single day of the year" - kinda reminds me of how i always believed that i lived in "the best country in the world...." but i digress. then i was the little old lady who lived in a shoe [had so many kids she didn't know what to do - and poor, which everybody knows it blows to be poor on christmas] - there were a couple "non" christmases, tight and gulty christmases. i re-established the keeping of a home and again had the space and the means to celebrate with my family in the manner in which we had once been accustomed, or at least make a fairly good show of it.

then bekah died. truthfully my devotion to christmas was not so much about the presents, it was the people. not just the sparkling of the lights but the wonder in the children's eyes as they beheld them.

this year my son with the two little ones will do christmas with them on his own, as the other two sons and i are blowing christmas off. we'll be in vegas, vive las vegas! rory will ride fun rides and play carnival games with the siblings of another murder victim [their brother shot to death 2 years ago] while andy and i play poker for hours and hours. may even have a few drinks with my son who was 21 in october, and with my friend who has lost a child too.

the only christmas song i feel like hearing this year is the one by the Kinks: Father christmas, give us some money/We got no time for your silly toys...:)

i'm blowing off christmas and i assert my absolute unequivocal right to do so at least for this one year. the last three christmases have been grotesquely bereft occasions through which i struggled not to cry and faked happiness as if it would be blasphemy not to be happy on christmas. not this year - but what's this residual guilt i'm trying to ignore, why must this be an issue?

it's been ingrained in me and all of my family since infancy - christmas was never about religion, except [for me] maybe in 1966 when i was 11 and thought i wanted to be a nun. i married a jew and even turned jewish [to gain his parents' approval/acceptance., not the most valid possible reason for the choice]. i still had to have christmas. my children could not grow up without christmas! there was no stopping santa claus after all. we had to be together open presents eat steak and eggs. i had to go beyond broke and stay up fifteen hours past bedtime wrapping and stuffing stockings.

its ubiquitousness on the street in the ads on the radio makes it hard to forget what christmas used to mean to me, and what my children and i have for the past three christmases bravely pretended it did still [for the little ones if not for ourselves]. it was joy and love, lights and smiles. peace on earth good will toward men.

not that the commercialism hasn't disgusted me for ages, but i have not yet been able to resist kowtowing to the fantasy of perfection on christmas. anyhow. i can be and am in fact lonely quite often, but lonely on christmas somehow seems worse. hopefully for katherine her planned solitude will not bring on a painful melancholy.

anyhow, Katherine will be burrowing. i'll be escaping i suppose. but this year anyway i won't be faking joy or going broke. that is refreshing. :)

still, the chill in the air reminds me of all the best christmases. the MADD vigil [what christmas is now about is well illustrated there], rory's wistful fantasies, happy memories juxtaposed with - reality. grab me from behind and mug me with the grief that seems as fresh as when it was brand new, and yet so familiar we can finish each other's sentences.

i miss her SO FUCKING HARD that i must lament again and again although the protest has gotten somewhat old: someone who is supposed to be here is not and will not be again.

bekah should be here.

i'll close with another two words just as well known and, believe it or don't, just as sincere. if only every human alive on this planet could have it...if only the unjustly deceased, were still humans alive on this planet. if only if only if only...it is what it is. to y'all:

merry christmas. :)
- posted by barbara @ 12/14/2004 01:00:00 AM