* BlogExplosion
so i joined the explosion. amazing what a writer's block can drive one to. i've been painting so much i've wondered if it's a sign that i'm soon to die, that nature is just letting bekah and me do our thing in a burst before i burst and die. maybe it is actually that bekah's fixing to "move on," and when she does the painting will cease for me; i will be done.

at any rate, these days the whole time i'm painting - most of the time these days it seems - the pretentious snob bitch, call her BAH-bra, stands upon her high horse within my treacherous mind and declares it all shit.

shit
Posted by Hello
"It's all shit - you're simply lazy," she says. i mutter to myself, paint some more. in all honesty, an awful lot of it is shit. it took me to the age of 40 to say "I am a poet," without feeling just as much the dilletante, but i did arrive at that moment when i believed it of myself; though every word, or clump of words, i generate, is not poetry. sometimes it is embarrassingly bad, so bad i throw it away [trust me that is BAD, cause i save everything i write]. some lousy lines, and some lovely lines, have been left languishing in drawers for decades and sometimes even now i find a home for them.

so who knows? the question is so subjective, especially in the realm of abstract art, more so yet when you are me or somebody like me, without much learning and little exposure. i like what i like and i let that be enough when it comes to painting...with poetry, though, that's somewhat different, because i find i cannot be so indifferent. sure i write to stay sane and always have, but additionally i possess a deep reverence for the medium. i have studied, read fairly widely, with discretion learned in classroms. a good poem can make my day, my night, whole months of my life...and though i do believe that i have achieved a few of them, undoubtedly it is much too few and the remaining poems, though i share them, like and even love them, well, there are just a bunch that are not as good as i aspire to. maybe none of the poems i have written are that good...i dunno. fuggedaboutit.

in spite of all that i am visited by yet another irony - it's one i'll go ahead and be friends with. i've never earned a single cent from my poetry. been published barely, and sporadically, and mostly not in print [though i believe this situation has more to do with my ... laziness, or unhealthy ego, take your pick]. and without even trying i've sold FOUR paintings. ain't life a kick? thank you yvette!
- posted by barbara @ 10/24/2004 05:24:00 AM