barbtries a blog: <a href="http://www.sugarfused.com/archives/001851.php">Sugarfused: The light of day</a>

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Deb had a big fire at work and today posts from exhaustion - i can kinda imagine that exhaustion real well, though from a different circumstance. in this part of the world my psyche's gone retro if not infantile and i'm feelin' fucky:

email to a friend
i'm gonna go back to sleep now, going to apply at trader joe's later. nerves all shot to hell and exhausted too. my fingers are crossed so hard my whole body is knotted up.

do you think a pawn shop might give a loan on the car?

i really wish i still had my counselor who's been gone with congestive heart failure since january. there's something about getting with all my siblings that's got me really like nervous. well i guess it is that i don't have any money or a job. no spouse. i'm the youngest of four and close to 50 still a fuckup?!

even before bekah died i could be so diminished by them. i've raised four children on my own but somehow that wasn't me doing a good job i just got lucky in spite of myself. i've written a book and stall at the point of finding a publisher and i think it's because my ego is weak and faulty and a paralyzed prima donna due to lacks in the household during the early years.

maybe i'm just paranoid and, well - no good. maybe the book's no good, and maybe me thinking i might do anything worthwhile or rewarding following bekah's murder was delusional on my part...hm. hmmmmmmmm

i don't know about families. except for the one i made. oh that's BS, i love my brothers and my sister very much. i just somehow feel INFERIOR to them and as if they believe that i am and this won't change. oh yeah and i'm the fat one. i'm the only one who still smokes. i'm the only one whose daughter was killed, the only one who had so many kids and mostly without a husband...the needy one.

it's like a carved in stone dynamic left over from the dregs of a dysfunctional home. i'm the baby of the family and i guess if i make 100 i still will be - i might be an actual grown up otherwise. there are friends even readers who don't think of me as the littlest one the neediest one the fuck up. just no one whose going to be in morro bay this weekend.

[wrong! there will be my five boys and the spirit of my girl]

eh, as if i don't have enough shit with the cash shortage now i have to fuss myself silly because my brothers bruised my little ego years ago, and my big sister cannot rise above her mother's drunken neglect even though that mother's been dead for 23 years?

help. lol ... bet you didn't read all this but i had to get it off my chest so thanks for being there anyhow. okay, thanks dr bob i'm going back to sleep. it's 5:30 am...no, it's almost 6 now - i had quite a bit to spill.

love, barbara

gimme call after you sleep ok? love you
barbara

- posted by barbara @ 4/22/2004 06:16:00 AM

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