barbtries a blog: email from andy on the east coast

Friday, January 02, 2004

email from andy on the east coast

Subject: from the future

hi mom. you have one and a half hours to go, and even though im sure you will have caught up with me by the time you read this, i figured id give you a taste of your future. 2004 is here. the scenery hasnt seemed to change yet, but im sure it will soon. i am alone and sober, for the first time on new years since i was 13 (yes i drank when i was 14, and no i am not an alcoholic). my nearest friends are 3000 miles away, trapped in the vile past known as 2003.

and yet it is a happy new year, for one simple reason--2003, that horrid, despicable year (let it be stricken from all records and memories) is finally dead. before we obliterate the memory of the last 365 painful days, let me recap just once.

the year started off bittersweet. i had a good car, an awesome job, a loving though not always happy or functional family, entertaining but depressing friends, and a gross counter strike habit that gave me something to do while stealing countless hours of my life away from me. life was as good as could be expected i suppose, but it was made bitter by the knowledge that in just a few short months it would all be gone. in the news every day, our fearless leader(fearless as
in too stupid to be afraid) George W. Bush demanded that saddam hussein give up his weapons of mass destruction, and insisted that weapons inspectors be allowed to survey Iraq. and, every day, saddam hussein denied that he had any such weapons and said please, send those inspectors and quit bothering me.

then came the fateful day of february 17, 2003. i said goodbye to friends and loved ones and spent the night in a hotel to enjoy my last comfortable bed for the next 9 weeks. navy boot camp is like a cocoon, where normal Human Beings metamorphosize into Filthy Recruits for approximately 40 training days before they finally emerge as Navy Sailors.

during my time in boot camp, george w directed his vast horde of bloodthirsty minions, i mean the coalition forces, to
rain firey death over iraq, and then to stomp out any semblance of order, business, government, military, or personal security left behind from the death bombs. no one was really sure why he had released his death troops and all their high-tech killing equipment on the under-developed and impoverished iraqi people(other than having to do with fighting terror), but CNN polls showed stone cold numbers proving that America strongly approved of the actions. my boot camp division approved as well, and our RDC's seemed to think it was a good thing. i didnt voice my opinion, and i usually try not to.

well, boot camp days are long as hell but the weeks flew by, and soon i was out of there. good days those were, liberty weekend (you were there) and the plane ride to fort meade. fort meade fucking sucks. dont ever go there. oh wait, you were there. well, dont go back.

first sunrise, 2004, hawthorne, CA

so i went on to journalist A school. it ranged from fun to hellish, but usually stayed boring. somewhere during my first
course at DINFOS, Old Fearless declared Victory! in iraq. unfortunately he spoke too soon, because as soon as you say Victory! you are posed with a tough, tough question-- what the fuck do we do now? well, i dont know, and neither did he. however, i can sleep well at night knowing that i had nothing to do with getting us into this mess in the first place. and the head honcho used the easiest possible answer for the question: same damn thing weve been doing. what, you think just cus the war is over were gonna stop fighting? teach you to elect a texan.

i would interject here that we did NOT elect gw; he strongarmed the election. back to andy:

so i went to a DOD school to learn how to write and talk and use cameras and video cameras and radio equipment and above all, public affairs. easy shit.

and then i got busted underage drinking in a fucking park on post. not my proudest moment. well, i got busted and written up and sent to Mast-- Captain's Mast, that is. Non Judicial Punishment. N-J-P. 14 days restriction and extra duty, and im not sure what the other punishment was. it had to do with pay, maybe my rank got suspended or maybe i was supposed to lose a week's pay. either way it got messed up when they put it to paper along with the date, so i think im done with that punishment.

on my first or second day on restriction, i was eating breakfast at the galley and saw on the news that Johnny Cash had died. i guess i looked sad because a friend of mine came over and sat with me. he knew i was on restriction and at the time he and i both thought i was about to lose my school and spend the next four years swabbing decks and chipping paint on some god-forsaken destroyer. so he asked me how i was doin and i said, "I think im gonna cry." "that bad eh?" but then i explained to him that johnny cash had died and i had just found out. to this day, no one has stepped up to the plate to be the next Man in Black. which means that millions of people across the world are dying and suffering and no one is mourning for them. worse yet, the Navy is talking about getting rid of the Working Blue uniform, affectionately referred to as the "Johnny Cashes."

restriction sucked but i got over it as i worked extra hard to pass my broadcast course. i had 7 people tell me i wasnt
gonna make it over the course of a week, four for the drinking thing and three because i suck at talking. well i showed them!! how dyou like them apples? huh, Sergeant First Class Kaufman? whats up now? been teaching this bullshit course for 16 fucking years have you? been teaching since you was a civilian? so you know when someones doomed to failure right? well shove it up your ass, cus im done with your precious radio course and your boring school and your abysmal fucking army post and above all, im done with your worthless ass! look at my sleeve bitch! J to the mothafuckin O! J-O! Journalist asswipe!

i would add here that not only did andy PASS, he passed two points away from earning honors.

sorry mom, having one of them crazy DINFOS flashbacks. so i graduated. my good friend and roommate is stuck in Limbo, i mean fort meade. i recently passed the ten-month mark in the navy. this is the longest ive ever had a job and also the first time any job has promoted me. i have two diagonal stripes cus im an Apprentice and a crossed quill and scroll signifying JO. i have a "real" job now, as in i am no longer training.

one of the first things i learn about my job is that 66 percent of it is watching the news. soldiers are still dying. they arent killing quite as often though. george (he doesnt mind if i call him george does he?) still makes speeches all the time, and he still sounds like a fucking moron, but he seems to have figured out a way to deal with his chronic dyslexia. so now he sounds like a dangerous moron, rather than a funny one. WHO THE FUCK VOTED FOR THIS MAN!!!!

anyway, now that im public affairs, i recognize every Bush speech for what it is, and i know the correct terminology for it--every fucking word Bush says in public is part of a Command Message. i get to deliver Command Messages too, sometimes. all of the Command Messages i have are basically advertisements to taxpayers to keep paying their taxes, because that cash is going towards these submersible vehicles that can really fuck shit up. did you know that 30 percent of the tomahawk missiles used in Operation Iraqi Freedom were launched from submarines?

thats a Command Message, and we (we being the submarine force) are very proud of it.

so, some soldiers caught saddam hussein, and Bush's approval ratings rose. makes me think of this picture in the onion(you should check out the onion by the way-- www.theonion.com) showing Bush in camoflauge holding a rifle
leading infantry troops through the desert. but no, i think he was somewhere in america when saddam was captured. but bush gets the approval. good for him.

now every day the news reports that saddam is speaking to a certain extent, but still will not give up the whereabouts of his weapons of mass destruction. the Media(geniuses they are) have come up with the theory that Saddam Hussein just "made up" those weapons of mass destruction and that they dont really exist. well, its a very smart theory and i do believe ive been saying it since 2002, except that GEORGE FUCKING BUSH MADE UP THOSE WEAPONS while saddam adamently denied their existence.

now, im not going to defend saddam hussein. for all i know(assuming everything i know is true--ive never heard a first-hand account) he deserves to be ousted from power and tried and jailed and possibly even executed, but to this day, we still dont know why we blew the fuck out of iraq and i am sure that, to this day, the soldiers stuck there are looking around and saying, well, what the fuck do we do now?

so thats 2003, from my perspective, condensed and edited(it was such a damn long year--i dont think i can take too many of those) and now let us forget this year ever happened. its 2004 now, and im gonna change a few things. i have a few resolutions, and here they are:

1: I am going to figure out what my job really is.
2: I will go this whole year without locking my key in my room even once.
3: I will vote!! thats right goddamit i am going to voice my opinion in a way that will really make a big difference, right along with 80 million other californian democrats.
4: I am going to put my best foot forward(ow! i stubbed my toe).
5: I will swear off puns forever.
6: I will give dirty looks to any picture, moving or still, of either the president or the governor of california.
7: I should try to quit smoking. thats not so much a resolution as it is an acknowledgement that i should.
8: I will turn 21 this year.

Happy New Year Mom!

love, Andy

- posted by barbara @ 1/02/2004 09:05:00 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

Who am i, what am i
A picture's worth

moon phases

I stand on the sand, and I'm rocking grief to sleep in my arms.

issues
Poetry roll
Comments by: YACCS

About Me