icc related
a discussion on anger and the icc.

if you deny your emotions long enough they will manifest physically or mentally - either way they will make you sick. i think this has been demonstrated in the icc.

when she first joined the icc my friend attempted to proselytize me. this led to some conversations i found frustrating because of her tunnel vision. for instance she would always come at me with some shit about the bible, to which i do not subscribe. she knows me well, she knows i don't view the bible as a sacred text, yet over and over she'd bring up the bible as if it was understood to be just that. we could be on the phone or in the same room and she would just ignore what she knew of my personal beliefs and pretend that she was presenting an argument to someone who had conceded or agreed that the bible was the "word of god."

i suppose she had to do this because if she stopped to consider me and what i believe she might have to concede herself that it is in fact my choice and that empirically speaking, neither of us can "prove" the veracity of our positions. from there she might even have to admit that her beliefs are also her choice. instead, she wanted to believe that divine truth had been revealed to her. still does. i remember once quoting hamlet to her ['there is more on heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your philosophy' or words to that effect] in the context of telling her quite honestly that i was distressed to see her mind shrinking instead of growing - she had shared with me her new learning, that "the path to heaven is narrow." she responded in an obtuse manner, as if she didn't get it ('i don't know what you mean. we're not talking about philosophy')...maybe she had convinced herself that she didn't get it or that i was talking about something that wasn't as plain as the nose on her face.

here we are, 10-12 years later, and if she is ignorant of the real character of the icc it can only be because she chooses to be and chooses not to think outside of the cage they built for her. i think it was the same conversation that ended in her tears because i was not equivocal about my disgust. i wonder if her fear of going out into the world as just herself as opposed to a "disciple" [incidentally she never did share with me that she was called a "disciple" or that she had a discipler "above her," chosen by someone in her "church," who told her what to do, say, be, pray, etc., and when] predates her indoctrination into the cult, and i don't know the answer. at the time i just knew that i was being proselytized, that i DESPISE being proselytized [it is so disrespectful], and that i was not about to be subjected to more of the same no matter how "awesome" the speakers at women's day were.

i wonder if she knows yet that women's day is leaders' payday? that every day in the icc is leaders' payday? there so much that is sick about the icc. i don't get why she believes, or claims to believe, and i don't believe in the plastic serenity of her voice. She has chronic pain issues and is always tired. curses on the people who made up this destructive cult and took my friend away not only from me but from her very own self.
:(

wish i could get through to her. these days she doesn't even return my phone calls. oh well
- posted by barbara @ 12/14/2003 06:56:00 PM