Saturday, July 05, 2003
gonna go again...
07-01-03 at pool
Bekah, i put on the new top and makeup and all....
07-02-03 at counseling
Hey. not such good day...and all the reasons plain as the sweat of frustration and the blood of justice denied.
Girl i try to focus on the good. I promise you I recognize that if it is good it is truly good and just as true as the other.
the other being your death. Almost two years later and your death persists in spite of any and all efforts to overcome, rise above, grow beyond, transform...
Persists Bekah. And persists in being HATEFUL! Godammit i want you here, alive, vital, living
Should I list the good? It always boils down to Love, my god, my purpose, my faith, my fulfillment.
Also my desire, my wishes unfulfilled...lonely. Lonely is reality too; I dance on the fence of flirtation. Trust no one and well, you know, as hateful as bitter may be it has been validated more times than trust.
So i dance on the fence because my trust puny as it is, is what i need to nurture. If i am paralyzed it is not a testament to bitter it is an effort to not let it bite me in the ass again. 'Least not any time soon....
Girl. Bekah. Your 23rd birthday much like your 22nd comes at me like a fucking freight train silent as all the world has been and must remain, because you are silenced.
Not correctly, not inevitably. Abhorrently via commission of the most terrible crime now magnified by the court and the criminal's callous dismissal of the hugeness of her crime, your loss.
Bekah you will never be chopped liver. If i despair at times it is because inside i am acknowledging a reality that slices me, shreds me like a fed sheet of paper: the world will not know that, not in my time...some people, sure, but the rest - oh they'll cluck and turn away, have a drink, tell themselves gee i could be that woman - the one who murdered you! - and unless and until it is their child, brother, self, never go to this side, this world of the victim.
the innocent - the young - the beautiful - the vital - the intelligent - the gentle - the caring - the happy - the healthy -
the erased, murdered, discounted, dispatched, disrespected, dismissed. they'll say, "Life goes on," and it only proves how reluctant or incapable they are of considering you. You, the beautiful, the only, the barely 21,
the daughter. Daughter i miss you and i love you and i promise i will do my level best to rise up and meet the approaching train of your 23rd birthday with grace and gratitude for the blessing you were, the love you continue to be, and to appreciate and still try to educate them to the reality.
Because most of them mean well. They don't know what they can't know and i can't judge them. i can only envy them their blessed ignorance and admonish them to recall that there but for fortune go them and their most precious children. amen
Who am i, what am i
A picture's worth
I stand on the sand, and I'm rocking grief to sleep in my arms.
Comments by: YACCS