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barbtries a blog
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
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it's the attack of the killer inferiority complex! AHHHHHH screams away the writer. who said that? is this depression, grief, laziness, low self-esteem, or just a realization, that i'll never be that good?

or will i be that good? i began a book in 1996, gawd only knows what's become of it. it reflected my belief at the time that after six months of commuting from lancaster to torrance, california, daily, there was no reason left why i [me, barbara bales] should not be the nation's if not the world's next twenty dollar guru.

and the damn book was just all over the place, from personal issues to how to drive. one 'chapter' was titled the con game. i had lost my home, my job, custody of my son [bekah too, but that was her choice, a choice that facilitated some of what came later]. i had become so gratuitous i thought the world was telling me to die and it was sheer cowardice that kept me breathing. rory was still with me but i figured that was only because nobody else wanted him...as i neared the completion of my [computer] schooling, i began to wonder how i would ever get a job.

surely at that point in time i was among the most worthless - least worthwhile? - humans on the planet. a zit on the face of the earth. a series of events, primarily catastrophes, had piled into my life boom-boom-boom, and exploded it, and now i was supposed to get a job? my confidence was zilch...so i developed this theory about confidence, probably something others have always known and taken for granted, but which i had to develop under stress.

having so thoroughly failed i wondered why anyone would want to hire me. on the other hand i excelled at my courses and now had skills that people needed. i took all the classes on how to present for interviews, etc. and decided that confidence would just have to begin with a lie: the lie of my own confidence in myself.

i imagined walking into an interview with all the confidence a professional who knows her services are necessary and worth money would exhibit. visualized responding to the interviewer's questions with absolute confidence in the veracity of my position. concluding the interview with a handshake. it was during this handshake that the change would take place.

the false confidence i exuded would have over the course of the interview translated into true confidence in the person with whom i interacted. such that when we shook hands following the [amazingly successful they want to offer me $50 thousand bucks a year right this minute] interview, real confidence flowed from him into me. i speculated that with each successful interaction, my own confidence would grow, prospective employers would be able to see from a mile away that they needed this here woman, and so on, and so on, and so on.

i was working within a month of graduation, and had a full-time permanent position in a dentist's office on sunset boulevard a month after that. Bales Law is true...hehehe

so okay screw this killer inferiority complex - i CAN TOO write! right? write...right? wr.....

bekah's 1st birthday

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