Diary Links
i've been writing my diary for over 30 years...and transcribing it, little by little, for about five or so years. my diary is all over the house, in dozens of notebooks, on scraps of paper, in the drawers of desks, just everywhere. as i transcribe, i put the original into a file titled "transcribed [year]."

as of today the book of my diary is approximately 320 8 1/2 by 11 pages in 8 or 9 point font. at this rate IF [that's a big if] i ever complete the task, the finished document will certainly be well over one thousand pages.

so i've written quite a bit thus far.

while filing some pages i'd transcribed today i idly pulled out a couple of pages written in 1999 and transcribed in 2000...written, in fact, on 07-19-99, exactly two years before the date of bekah's murder, and transcribed on 07-07-00, twenty years and one day after her birth.

i don't recall writing any of it and will share today just the last of three pages; my guess is that bekah had been "snippy" to me, which sometimes she would, then she'd say, "sorry, i'm PMS'ing," when she caught the wounded look on my face. after she died i begged her to "PMS all over me, be a bitch and sting your crazy mother, move away and never again live next to me, but christ bekah! don't die...."

Bekah -
where does she go, she is
Shunning me as if
I'd wronged her and I
protest with a mirror, she is
My so very right
My so very best

Straighter and more certain
Than her mother ever was
my so very proof
that talent fortitude certainty
is gifted even

by those not so very gifted -
That love can be raised
by those not so simply loved
and it was not a game...

hm. go figger, because i don't remember writing it. but i did; i recognize my handwriting. the pages before this are about me, in the voice, probably of bekah herself, and maybe one day i will share them as well. but it was this page that got me today, made me gasp in fact. because two years later to the day bekah was dead, thirteen days after her 21st birthday.

bekah blowing out the candles on 4th of july, 2001, as we celebrated her 21st birthday. the day itself July 6 fell on a friday and she wasn't about to spend her 21st birthday, a FRIDAY NIGHT no less, at her mom's house...:)
- posted by barbara @ 1/11/2003 09:22:00 PM