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barbtries a blog
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
am i going forward or am i stuck The excerpt represents the core issue or deciding factor on which you must meditate, and is drawn from Edition of The Ambassadors by Henry James:

disorder, consequently, that they eventually seated themselves, on either side of a small table, at a window adjusted to the busy quay and the shining barge-burdened Seine; where, for an hour, in the matter of letting himself go, of diving deep, Strether was to feel he had touched bottom. He was to feel many things on this occasion, and one of the first of them was that he had travelled far since that evening in London, before the theatre, when his dinner with Maria Gostrey, between the pink-shaded candles, had struck him as requiring so many explanations. He had at that time gathered them in, the explanations--he had stored them up; but it was at present as if he had either soared above or sunk below them--he couldn't

at counseling i was faced with the wall, and as it began to be perceptible to me all i could do was cry...everything i do, is it worth anything? when will i feel purposeful again, or will i ever fulfill any purpose? will the world know that this was no small loss? no it was a great, great loss.

so i have to wail and cry some more still. secondary victimization is ever present and will be for as long as it is. answers are hard. rarely clear. keep seeking. nurture whatever faith still, or again, glows within. etcetera

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