andy in coaster art...i will blog more later i think...but i cleaned up my room a lot tonight, i was singing along to my Sonique MP3's, i opened up a drawer...then it was 1995, and my life was all exploding in my face in a thousand ways.

Then some hours passed, and i got to thinking...about lonely. I am lonely. I think I am better at being alone than about 99% of the people on this planet. But tonight, I am lonely - and not just for my precious girl Bekah, for whom I will be lonely as long as I breathe.

jeez i copied this from someone's website on Robert Lowell and the number of errors is scandalous...so i will correct from my own copy of Life Studies. The following is one of my favorite poems and also explicates depression so, so well, i think. i wrote a paper on it when i was in school so am very attached to it now. plus how it could be me, at the end! and believe it or not that was true even before my daughter was killed. oh, well, go figger. right? right.

PEACE.

Eye and Tooth

My whole eye was sunset red,
the old cut cornea throbbed,
I saw things darkly,
as through an unwashed goldfish globe.

I lay all day on my bed.
I chain-smoked through the night,
learning to flinch
at the flash of the matchlight.

Outside, the summer rain,
a simmer of rot and renewal,
fell in pinpricks.
Even new life is fuel.

My eyes throb.
Nothing can dislodge
the house with my first tooth
noosed in a knot to the doorknob.

Nothing can dislodge
the triangular blotch
of rot on the red roof,
a cedar hedge, or the shade of a hedge.

No ease from the eye
of the sharp-skinned hawk in the birdbook there,
with reddish-brown buffalo hair
on its shanks, one ascetic talon

clasping the abstract imperial sky.
It says:
an eye for an eye,
a tooth for a tooth.

No ease for the boy at the keyhole,
his telescope,
when the women's bodies flashed
in the bathroom. Young, my eyes began to fail.

Nothing! No oil
for the eye, nothing to pour
on those waters or flames.
I am tired. Everyone's tired of my turmoil.

By Robert Lowell



Blue, navy blue, i'm as blue as i can be, cause my steady boy set ship ahoy and joined the Na- aa- vee.....awwwwww, oooohhhhh,

:) He's leaving on 02-18-03. In the meantime he is harder to reach than ever. Andy, please call home. MOM's home. love, mom
- posted by barbara @ 9/24/2002 12:57:00 AM