Yahoo! Groups : FAMILIESANDFRIENDSOFMURDERVICTIMS

one of my groups...a person posting frets because as her friend's murderer's execution date approaches, the crime has become new again. she is in pain for herself and her murdered friend, and wonders how it can be that she had convinced herself she had forgiven the perp when it seems apparent that she had not, because she could not have been as okay as she thought she was if she had not forgiven....

i responded:
hi,
my daughter was murdered by a drunk, enraged 53-year-old woman, who dragged bekah's body down the street, ran over her, then drove away up a dark windy road with bits and pieces of my daughter clinging to her car, got home just fine, and was asleep in bed when the police caught up with her.

she was allowed to plead "no contest" to felony vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence while intoxicated and felony hit and run and sentenced to the least possible amount of time. she will be out of prison in less than two years and as far as i know a menace once again. her crimes were not even considered "violent" so she has no strikes and could kill again the same way she did bekah and still not get a substantial prison sentence.

i go to grief counseling, and recommend it. my counselor has assured me that i do not have to forgive bekah's murderer [that was my thinking, how can i ever recover enough not to be bitter and miserable for my entire life if i can't forgive this person, who will not afford me any basis for that?]. furthermore, that until the civil trial concludes, i even "need" my anger, to get me through that process.

it is not pleasant. but that's a fact of murder, a crime that should never happen! never. people should not kill people. you lost someone you loved because a person decided he would die. how unfair is that? i wish i could comfort you more, but all i can think to say is lean into your grief, live through it...and remember your loved one. maybe write keith a letter telling him about what's going on here on earth with his case...

i have not gone far enough in my counseling to elucidate how i will find a way to be okay without forgiving the unforgivable. but i will be okay, i believe, and you can be too. [for me] if no other reason than that she cannot have me too. she had no right to my daughter. she took choices away from bekah and all of bekah's loved ones that were not hers to make, and that is it. i can't change what happened but i do resolve that i won't remain a victim for the rest of my life and that my sons and their families will not, either. she can't have us.

take care, keep us posted how it goes.
love, bekah's mom barbara
comments very welcome, specifically with how you think you might deal with this heartwrenching issue. i really have no answers for this girl, i just have the validation of my own experience. how can we all be okay when murders happen?

- posted by barbara @ 7/13/2002 08:25:00 PM