to continue the text of my remarks:

Obviously Bekah's death did more than shake my faith: it disproved it. The second lesson was, I have survived my daughter, a lesson that was accompanied by many more questions than answers. The biggest question was, "Will I live again between now and when I die?" Because I must distinguish between survival and life. Losing Bekah was a blow of such proportion it took my vitality the way getting punched in the gut takes your breath. And to my mind, survival is hardly worthwhile if life is left behind.

To survey a point in time after Bekah's death where I might anticipate the future instead of chasing the past, pursue happiness instead of endure pain, experience joy as well as grief, was impossible for months after she died. First of all, I had to believe she was dead - that took about two and a half months. I never knew a person could be in shock for two and a half months. After I learned Bekah died, another few months were spent trying to make her be alive again, a task that my mind recognized as futile, but which my heart insisted upon.

After about six months I had traveled to where I am today, acceptance. Not the calm and peaceful knowing I had imagined, acceptance is perhaps the single longest span within this desert of despair, and it is comparable to the Sahara. During the hot season. At noon. Naked, alone and burning, so that no suggestion or threat of a hell beyond this earth will ever mean anything to me, I speak on my daughter's 22nd birthday.

No cake no ice cream no candles. No birthday girl? This day has rolled at me like a silent locomotive. There is no sound, because eternity has claimed Bekah's noises. I wanted on this day to celebrate the life of my precious girl, but her passing is too new for me to be happy, or even pretend to be.

And so instead I offer this testimony: There is no death but the shedding of mortality. Though you may say there is a god and I say there is not, don't think we're headed for separate eternities. Because I do perceive a plethora of souls on the other side. Souls who love me. And if god is not love, what's the point?

Love is god, love is why, love puts faith into my soul and brings Bekah into my dreams. Love will lead me back to life in time.

"the Song is Love"
[by mary travers: first of all, i would like to say a word or two, i know you won't be thinking this applies to you, but it's true, and it do...all your life, you have had to sing your song alone, not believing anybody could have known, but you're wrong, and you know...

i found a song let me sing it to you, let me say it now while the meaning is new, but wouldn't it be good if we could sing it together? don't be afraid to sing me a line, sing about the joy that i know we can find, wind them around and see what they sound like together...the song is love/the song is love/the song is love

last of all, i would like to thank you for the word or two spoken in the moments when i needed you ah to see me through, and they do...

i found a song let me sing it to you, let me say it now while the meaning is new, but wouldn't it be good if we could sing it together? don't be afraid to sing me a line, sing about the joy that i know we can find, wind them around and see what they sound like together...the song is love/the song is love/the song is love]

[tom:] i didn't sing the song, but i played it...here's a picture of my grandson micah giving the song to bekah on her 20th birthday:



- posted by barbara @ 7/08/2002 05:57:00 AM