barbtries a blog

Monday, April 22, 2002

what will it be? bekah. on the plane to Washington i sat by the window just rear of the wing and regarded infinity in the form of a west coast sky in february. three days before that i had said good-bye to the shrinking she-thing handcuffed for my edification and spirited away to return.
she'll return before your absence is normal. she is the one person who possibly could but certainly never will provide a why that still will never bring sense to your demise. and she will most likely die of natural causes by which time your absence will be understood by me because it commenced so long ago.

[NOTE: i got wise! i needed to enlarge the writing window, so i selected and copied what i had written thus far. HAH! cyberbogey you lose today...]

i sat in that window seat bekah and was dazzled by the sight. mother, nature, she's such a wonder. and what next? there is my daughter dancing on the wing...she's doing cartwheels for me, then sitting on the edge and crossing her legs at the knees, so pretty, prim, properly. she waves she blows kisses and she winks at me...by and by accompanying the water that steadily cleanses my eyes to my mind comes a tune that sounds like a theme. a movie ends just like those criminal proceedings, ends, and for the mother closure just does not happen, so she cherishes the image of her daughter on the edge of a jet wing in flight, this could be real no? the sky is infinite and eternity an aspect to your dimension. the song plays again and again in my mind and with each new refrain i cry, cry, i am letting you go as i must, i know, but this beauty, the sky, you, this pain, release, exquisite, yes, but it cuts girl! oh. oh.......it cuts.

the song:
love you forever and for ever
love you with all my heart
love you whenever we're together
love you when we're apart
[the beatles]

a lot of songs used to be about romance, now they're about you. i've experienced the phenomenon before. that's why "my girl" is "my" song about you, and always has been. that's why before you died when i heard "take good care of my baby" i would fantasize singing it at your wedding, and shed those sentimental tears i'm so fucking good at. now i would sing it to my mom and dad, my grandma blanche, and who knows the number of loving souls who have taken you for their special project on the other side.

anyhow. love forever in eternity in time on earth in the sky and the great beyond where you be winking at your lonely mother comforting me...be well be free bless your soul darling girl and fulfill your finest possibilities in eternity. with time this will be understood by me - it is how it is so that must be how it must be. amen

i got lost in the rhyme i fear...the final line is a lie i fear...maybe not, but it forgot the fact that is intractable and just as true. that is that you, bekah-la, were not supposed to die. if i live another 50 years i will die knowing that my girl should still be alive.
amen

- posted by barbara @ 4/22/2002 04:14:00 AM

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